Like many of you, I’ve had my share of bad experiences over the course of my short life. I’ve dealt with lies, abuse, rejection and family dysfunction. I’ve gone through painful breakups and the death of loved ones, discovering that those events often bring out the worst in people (including me).
Along the way though, I’ve also learned how important it is to forgive. And I used to be the best grudge-holder you’ve ever met. I could give friends and family the “silent treatment” for weeks. I could be so cold when I wanted to be, just to “punish” someone for treating me badly. I was vehemently opposed to forgiving anyone who dared hurt me.
Until I realized that holding on to all that resentment was doing me more harm than the people who did me wrong.Â
Good ol’ Wikipedia offers this definition of forgiveness:
Forgiveness is the renunciation or cessation of resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, disagreement, or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.
To forgive, we have to be willing to give something up. But what we gain is so much better.
Here are some truths about forgiveness that we often forget when we’re in the thick of pain and resentment. May they serve as useful reminders for your own journey.
- People don’t have to apologize to you before you can forgive them. You are free to forgive whenever you are ready. “I’m sorry” may be nice to hear, but forgiveness can happen without those words being spoken.
- Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to forget what they did to you. You can keep the memory of the nasty way they treated you or the hurtful things they said. But you don’t have to stay there, in the replay of the pain. You can move on. See:Â How Poetry Saved My Life
- Forgiveness benefits the forgiver more than the person being forgiven. Most of the time, the person who hurt or offended you is now off living their own life. They’ve moved on. And forgiving them will finally allow YOU to do the same.
- You don’t have to tell the person you’ve forgiven them. Unless you want to, there’s no need to inform them in any way. Silent forgiveness still counts as forgiveness.
- You can forgive someone without ever speaking to them again. Just because you release the pain of them hurting you, doesn’t mean you want to be BFFs again. And that’s OK. You can choose to keep your distance.
- Forgiveness can open up the possibility of a whole new relationship with a family member or an old friend. Once you forgive them, the door is open for you to create new memories that might lead to stronger bonds. See:Â What a Week in Jamaica Taught Me About Being Vegan, Being Present and Being a Sister
- You can show people you’ve forgiven them with your actions, not your words. If you’ve been giving someone the cold shoulder out of resentment, you can show your forgiveness by speaking to them again.
- Forgiveness doesn’t give people license to repeat the same offense. But it does give them the opportunity to move forward and become better if they choose to.
- You will have to forgive some people over and over. It’s not that they never learn, but that we are all human and we continue to make mistakes. See: 10 Reminders to Be More CompassionateÂ
- Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you condone their behavior. It may just mean that you are making the decision to release your attachment to what they did or are choosing to love them in spite of it.
- True forgiveness is unconditional. It does not require the person being forgiven to jump through hoops to win back your love and trust. See: What to Do When You Forget
- Forgiveness is the highest form of love. Being able to forgive reminds us that we are here for a larger purpose. And loving people doesn’t mean you necessarily have to like them, it just means you understand that life is bigger than our grudges and suffering.
- You don’t have to be religious to forgive. Although most organized religions promote forgiveness in some form, you can still practice it even if you don’t consider yourself a member of any religion.
- Forgiveness can be the turning point for a new outlook on life. Once you let go of the burden of resentment, you may be able to move on to better days. See: How to Rewrite the Story of Your Life
- If you still want revenge or retribution, you have not yet forgiven. Letting go means letting go. Not accepting someone’s apology publicly and then privately wishing them death and dismemberment.
- The most important person to forgive is yourself. Stop beating yourself up about things that you did or didn’t do in the past. You deserve your own grace. See: There Is Nothing Wrong With You
happyblackwoman
happyblackwoman
happyblackwoman
happyblackwoman
Thanks Rosetta! I really enjoy posting on your blog. Your topics always challenge me to analyze my current and past life experiences.
I’ve made my choice to be happy, no matter what my situation is.
What I’ve learned over the course of my life about forgivness…it’s a choice! Forgiveness takes time,and it grows with your maturity level. I’ve been betrayed by my best friend, sexually and emotionally abused, abandoned by my parents, misunderstood by co-workers, talked about by family members and the list could go on. One thing I had to learn from all of this.When I asked my Heavenly Father to forgive me for all the wrong I’ve done, he did. So, I had to learn to forgive the people that wronged me. Besides, life is too short to allow someone and their hurt to hurt and control me. I feel when a person doesn’t forgive they are giving that person their power. Their power to love, and to be loved, their power to grow and succeed, their power to tap into the unknown gifts of life. It takes too much energy to hold a grudge or unforgiveness. I spent my share of years resenting the people that abused me, and those days are over!
I need my energy now to serve God, my husband, my kids and hurting teens. I am refusing to allow another person to steal an ounce of my energy, because I am
“learning” to forgive them quickly.
What an amazing lesson, especially after all you’ve been through. (By the way, I really enjoy your comments here, they always make me think and reflect.) What you said should be #17 on this list! Forgiveness is a choice that allows us to make other choices. The choice to live more fully, the choice to be happy.
Thank you Monique for sharing your testimony and thoughts on this subject. I have struggled with this for a long time since my divorce. I also found the following discussion on unforgiveness that was a blessing and I pray it will bless someone else as well. Thank you for being transparent. I know that I have victory in Jesus name!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXlx2K-8O5Q&feature=plcp