This week, the Twittersphere has been on fire in response to the words of two separate bloggers.
First, Christelyn Karazin kicked off the No Wedding, No Womb (NWNW) movement. Then, over on Madame Noire, LaShaun Williams gave us 8 Reasons to Date a White Man. While the two bloggers are unrelated in terms of the timing of their posts (in NWNW’s case, dozens of posts), there was a sense this week that black love, indeed, blackness itself was being attacked in yet another “what’s wrong with black women” internet meme.
On it’s face, NWNW is just another strong suggestion that black women get married before having kids. Not like we haven’t heard that before. Like, ever since the beginning of time. I’m also pretty sure white women are told the same thing. So, while I didn’t have a huge sense of support for NWNW, I also didn’t find it offensive.
It was the complete opposite with the “8 Reasons” article. The author seemed to go out of her way to promote the negative stereotypes of black men as irresponsible baby daddies not interested in marriage or higher education. It was as if she wanted readers to believe that every black man was the mirror image of Lil’ Wayne. Except her husband.
What was most interesting to me beyond the articles, though, was the commentary around marriage and what’s possible for black women. Many comments for both sites centered around the idea that it’s unlikely for black women to get married anyway, so we shouldn’t limit our options for procreation by tying it to marriage, nor should we limit our choice of mate to black men only.
Now, I’m not the biggest proponent of putting a ring on it, but it seemed like so many black women have given up on the idea that marriage is even a possible outcome for our relationships. It was sad to see so many sisters buying into the idea that there aren’t enough black men to go around. We can quote that ish ad nauseum now.
I tried to figure out why I was so surprised.
I mean, look at my own parents. My mother had me when she was 15 years old and my father was a drug dealer. There’s not even a thug love story here, just two irresponsible teenagers making a baby that turned out to be me. They were never married and mom had to take on the job of raising me by herself.
I never saw a loving, romantic relationship play out in my family, let alone wedlock. Neither me, my sister, nor any of my cousins were born out of a husband-wife arrangement.
With a family history like that, you’d think I might over-romanticize marriage as one of my ultimate goals. You’d think I might jump at the chance to be part of the “real” family that I never had. But I never was completely sold on marriage as a fairy tale aspiration. While all my girlfriends growing up would fantasize about what “the most important day of their lives” would be like, I would instead be thinking about how I could plan out my career so I would never have to depend on a man, ever.
Which is actually the main reason why I didn’t get married to K in 2006.
So, yeah, I get it that marriage isn’t the best answer. People get divorces. Being married is no walk in the park. And let’s not forget that marriage is, inherently, a patriarchal institution.
But none of those are, in and of themselves, reasons not to get married.
It kind of depends on what you think marriage stands for, doesn’t it? If you think marriage is all about possession and the man being in control, you look at it one way. If you think marriage is about religion and obeying the head of household or whatever the vows say, then again, that’s another way to look at it. But if you think marriage can be whatever two people want it to be…well, then the possibilities become quite infinite, don’t you think?
I don’t think the creator of NWNW intended to extol the virtues of marriage any more than she intended to offend single mothers, but many commenters got stuck on the fact that marriage is not the perfect answer to out-of-wedlock births, even going so far as to suggest that “marriage is dead” as an institution and we have to find other solutions.
Wait. Marriage is dead? That’s like saying Facebook is dead. Sure, it’s annoying, but there are still millions of people who love it and make it work for them. Like everything else in life, marriage is what you make it. I can’t logically say that I’m not likely to get married just because of statistics that say I won’t or statistics that say if I do, I’ll get divorced within 4.7 years.
It’s all about how you look at it. It’s all about what you believe. Because what you believe has a funny way of playing out in your life.
Me?
I still believe in love, in lifelong companionship, in the possibility of sharing my deepest hopes and dreams with another person, preferably a black man. For me, that doesn’t necessarily have to happen as a result of jumping the broom, but there is no way I’d ever tell myself or someone else that it’s impossible. Nothing is ever impossible, unless you want it to be.
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I feel that the discussion is really sad. Other races don’t even talk about family issues like this. I do know that it is rare to grow up with both parents but i did. Was it “happy” all the time no and it definitely was not easy for my parents. I do think i have a healthy view of relationships because of it. I have been married now for 3 years and it has been difficult too. Am i willing to give up? I love my husband. We have decided to wait to have children because we believe that is what is best for them. I do think that as a black woman it is important to give my future daughter or son an active father. My dad and hubby are the most amazing men and i know there are more BLACK men out there like them we just have to abstain and really believe that we are worth the wait
It is sad, especially when I hear sisters totally giving up on the idea of finding someone
I love hearing the perspective of people who are already married – gives a reality check that dating is hard, but marriage is, too. For us single folk, it can be hard to imagine without actually being in that situation. For example, finding someone who I can emotionally support (and who can support me) in the long haul is something I hadn’t considered much until recently.
A complex subject, indeed. I take your point-of-view in that I am hopeful for our Sistahs. I won’t count our Brothas out although there is substance in the fact that so many of us have no reference point for what a healthy relationship looks like so we have these practice runs and divorces ensue. At least that’s my reality. But with life’s lessons, we get smarter and, hopefully make more informed choices. Good post.
Great points and I think that’s precisely the issue – “that so many of us have no reference point for what a healthy relationship looks like.” It’s a problem that causes so many other problems and keeps both men AND women from the love we want and deserve for ourselves. How can we expect love from another if we have not yet learned how to love?
This is very timely, given that my latest blog post is “Black Love is Dead”, LOL! By dead I don’t mean nonexistent in that there are no 2 Black people on earth who love each other, but I mean that “Black Love” as a concept is dead. There is no pressing desire for most Black men to marry a Black woman above all else, while there are plenty of Black women saying “nothing but a Black man”. Which is all find and good (it’s not my job to evaluate someone else’s stance anyway), though it does seem counterproductive to say “nothing but a Black man” then be mad when not many approach. And I think some of the women who feel that way don’t think about how they would react if all of the Black men they are interested in say “nothing but a non-Black woman.”
I’m not anti-Black male (obviously), I just think some Black women should stop obligating themselves to Black men/the Black community with the expectation that obligation will be reciprocated.
Wow. I wouldn’t at all be able to agree with the idea that black love is dead. There are a LOT of black men out there who exclusively want black women. I’ve actually had many of them tell me they feel that black women don’t want THEM, so clearly there is a disconnect happening here.
Happy Black Woman,
I’m not saying that no Black women/men, anywhere, want to marry other Black women/men, I’m saying that the concept of Black love as a signifier of racial unity is dead. I don’t think most Black people in relationships see themselves as obligated (by being in the relationship) to Black people as a group. One’s relationship serves the individuals involved, not some larger agenda (or at least it should). I don’t think people (Black women especially) should feel obligated/pressured to date/marry Black men (because they’re the only one’s who can “get you”, or worse the only one’s who’ll want you) anymore than they should feel obligated/pressured to date/marry non-Black men (because “no good Black men are left”). Like I said above, few of the people in the situations I’ve just mentioned have considered what they’d do if they aren’t successful in finding the person who fits their selective criteria. Some might say, “no Black man, then no man”, but I don’t think I could find many who’d be happy about it.
OK I think I understand now. On that point, I would tend to agree, only because I *have* seen more & more brothers on online dating sites specify other races as a preference for their “ideal match.” I don’t think black women should feel obligated to exclusively date black men, but I do think it’s also OK to be clear that that’s what you prefer. What I do know, as someone who prefers to date black men, is that there is definitely work involved to find the person that’s right for you (maybe more than back in the day?), but I’ll probably never consider a scenario where I’m NOT successful in finding someone. There’s too much possibility out there…
As an adult, marriage has been a controversial issue for me. I grew up with the fairytale ideas of a big ring and a pretty dress and a perfect husband who takes out the trash and bring me flowers everyday. I grew up thinking that marriage was about finding someone to fit into a mold and complete a story that’s already been written. It’s like I wasn’t concerned about falling in love with a person for who they were, but more so concerned about finding someone to fit this idea in my head.
In my opinion, the decision of whether or not to marry and who to marry is so very personal and I find it endlessly interesting to hear different people’s perspective on it. Ultimately, we DO have a choice. Everything is about choices. You said it perfectly: “It’s all about how you look at it. It’s all about what you believe. Because what you believe has a funny way of playing out in your life.” It’s sad to me how people will base their beliefs and their intentions on propaganda.
I think a lot of women grew up with that idea…and then when their perfect Prince Charming didn’t come, they gave up on the idea of marriage. What I’ve been thinking about lately is how hard it is to allow yourself to fall in love with someone when you do have this particular “mold” you’re trying to fit them in. I’m realizing that I’m not looking for the perfect man anymore…just a man that’s perfect for ME.