Right now, I’m reading Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg. After I read about the concept of nonviolent communication, I knew that it would be a tool I could use to build better relationships with everyone in my life.
As the website states, the purpose of nonviolent communication (NVC) is to:
- create human connections that empower compassionate giving and receiving
- create governmental and corporate structures that support compassionate giving and receiving.
I’m only about a quarter of the way into the book, but it’s already helping me shift the way I listen, speak and write. So far, I have been most successful with expressing my feelings as feelings, not as attacks of the other person. The NVC model offers a process with four components for communicating our observations, feelings, needs and requests.
First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation—to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don’t like.
Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated, etc.? And thirdly, we say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified. An awareness of these three components is present when we use NVC to clearly and honestly express how we are.
For example, a mother might express these three pieces to her teenage son by saying, “Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV, I feel irritated because I am needing more order in the rooms which we share in common.”
She would follow immediately with the fourth component—a very specific request: “Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?” This fourth component addresses what we are wanting from the other person that would enrich our lives or make life more wonderful for us.
I am feeling confused by this email. I am also feeling like it would work better as a phone conversation . . .
Would you be willing to share more about what you are thinking and feeling in regards to this email?
(You will notice that I did not use all four components of the process as suggested by the model. I don’t think it’s always necessary though, as simply being able to state feelings and requests can go a long way in getting to a place of mutual understanding and satisfaction.)
He said “yes” to my request and we set up a time to talk over the phone. The lesson for me is what could have been an unproductive, frustrating, back and forth string of emails ending in hurt and anger turned out to be a useful phone conversation about what we both were needing and wanting from each other. I am feeling optimistic about this particular encounter and the possibilities of using NVC to improve and enhance all of my relationships from now on.
Say what you feel. Get what you want.
Questions for Reflection:
- When was the last time you told someone how you really felt or asked for what you really wanted? Tell us what happened. How did the other person respond?
- How can you express your feelings or requests better next time, with the same person or a different one?
happyblackwoman
happyblackwoman
happyblackwoman
happyblackwoman
I need this book! I have been noticing that everytime I express my feelings to my fiance, he hears them as an attack on him. I certainly do not intend for that to be his reaction. I recently tried a different approach, what I guess I can now consider NVC… success! I think I am on the right path, but I’m going to get this book for good measure. Thanks so much!
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I am really glad I came across this post. I actually am struggling with this area right now. I informed my best friend yesterday that he was not giving me support in the way I needed. I didn’t know how to say it without making him defensive so I just let him know I needed support and encouragement and not “I told you sos” and that I did a good job of being critical of my actions on my own and didn’t need any assistance in that area. He hasn’t responded and I’m sure he probably took offense but I’m at a place where I need to be able to let people know what it is I need and want. I just don’t know how to do it without offending.
Definitely going to pick this book up.
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Rosetta,
I felt touched to read this post. Someone who reads your work subscribed to the daily on your recommendation and let me know the impact of them on her life. This note is to say hello, let you know, and express my gratitude. I’m excited to hear the ways nonviolent communication is helping you meet your need for growth and connection. – Gwen
Thank you for stopping by, Gwen! Your daily writing is a gift that I am happy to share with others. I appreciate you letting me know that someone in our community here is connecting with your work!
When I communicate with someone (especially when it’s something that I need out of the relationship), I start by talking to them of my perspective. I tell them it’s not necessarily the case, but it’s how I’m perceiving things, and I need help seeing or understanding things otherwise.
I do this with my husband when we talk–especially if something was done that I just simply do not understand. Instead of going off on him. I sit down and ask him to help me understand this situation from his point of view. No anger, or snapping at him. Honesty.
Mama always say you catch more flies with honey than you do with salt. I think the same thing goes for answers.
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Thank you for sharing from your experience with your husband. It’s amazing how tense situations can be diffused just by one person’s calm approach to the conversation.
Great post. This is something I’ve been practicing recently. I noticed before that although I had great intentions when I communicated, online or offline, my tone did not seem to come off in a compassionate or empathetic way. I found myself feeling irritated at times because it was hard to learn to communicate in this new way and model. I started learning from a relationship coach and she is a big advocate of saying how I feel, saying what I like and don’t like, what I want and don’t want and that feelings are fuel. Now I’m practicing doing more of this. I feel excited
knowing that I’m growing and learning. It is challenging because I forget to do this, but I notice I make a better connection when I speak from my heart instead of from my head.
How wonderful to hear that applying the new communication technique worked for you and the guy you are dating. That’s encouraging feedback. I’m looking forward to exploring this author in further detail.
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