I’ve been living in Charlottesville, VA for two weeks. My time here has been made more interesting now that I’ve been spending time with a writer I met on OK Cupid. He wrote me a few days before I got here. I wrote him back because he wears glasses and doesn’t like sports.
Yesterday, we went on a long, scenic drive through Shenandoah National Park. He took this photo of me in front of the mountains.
Dating when you don’t technically ”live” anywhere has been tricky. People want to know how long you plan to be around. They want to know if it’s worth it for them to invest time in someone who’s essentially a flight risk. I have to admit that if you’d asked me a year ago, would I date someone who was just passing through DC for business or pleasure, the answer would have been a firm NO. How can you possibly build a romantic relationship with someone who might be gone next month?
Now that the shoe is on the other foot, I have a different view of dating as a nomad. Just because I’m not rooted anywhere for now, I still want companionship. I still want the company of an interesting man. I still want to stay open to possibility in my love life.
These are a few reminders I’m keeping close.
Live in the moment, have fun and enjoy the experience.
I’ve been fortunate to have met so many interesting men over the course of my life. Some I ended up in monagamous relationships with, some I just enjoyed a few laughs with over dinner or drinks. I’ve discovered that everyone has an interesting story to tell about their lives, many that you can even learn from in your own journey. I’ve also realized that you can have fun pretty much anywhere if you allow yourself to let go of all your preconceived notions about people and let them be who they are.
One of my best dating experiences was going on vacation to Hawaii for a week and hanging out with this guy who took me to a few dinners and a luau while I was there. At the end of my trip, he gave me a ride to the airport and handed me a small framed picture as a parting gift. The painting was of a black woman about to step off a cliff into the water with the caption, “Walk by faith, not by sight.” He said he wanted me to have it as a reminder to stay on track with the goals I had for my life, many of which I had told him about over dinner. We’d only gone out a few times and had no intentions of pursuing a long distance relationship, but his encouragement stayed with me for years. Up until my recent downsizing, the painting was still hanging in my bathroom for the days when I needed something to lift me up.
Don’t get attached to the outcome.
When you have a desire to be in a committed relationship, it can be easy for you (or the other person) to focus solely on the path to becoming half of a couple. It can feel much harder to simply enjoy the moments you get to spend with that person and be present with them without worrying about “where you stand” or if you’ll ever be ”exclusive.” But the problem is that you can miss out on all the fun parts of dating with those questions looming in front of you, clouding your vision.
It can be helpful to remember that every romantic encounter you have with someone is NOT going to lead to a monogamous relationship and that’s OK. It doesn’t mean that the relationship won’t still have value or contribute to your well-being and personal growth. The “outcome” might just be that you had a good time and you learned something about yourself and how you interact with others.
Don’t look too far ahead in the future, too soon.
Making up scenarios about someone you just met is a futile exercise. There’s no way you can tell what might be possible in a relationship until you take the time to really get to know someone, and not just on a superficial, checklist level. When you allow true connection to happen, you will naturally be able to see whether you want this person to be a part of your life on a long-term basis anyway.
I didn’t write much about the guy from Maryland that I dated for a couple months when I came back from Hawaii. A few weeks before I left for Charlottesville, he asks me what he prefaces as a “hypothetical” question. The gist of it was: ”How would a relationship work between us if you’re leaving the area?” I told him I didn’t know. However we want it to work, I guess. But we never did figure it out. The truth was that I didn’t think a monogamous relationship would work with him even if I was staying in the area.
***
The drive through Shenandoah was my third date with the writer. On our second date (the night before) we’d gone out to a rooftop bar, then a hole-in-the-wall place that had a great band playing Miles Davis covers. (Charlottesville does have some nightlife after all! Just not much of it.)
At one point, I mention that I might be leaving in a few weeks. His face turns serious.
“I hope you stay here,” he says.
I smile and take another sip of bourbon.
Maybe I will.
How do you stay open to possibility in your love life? Does it seem easier to find ways to say no than to say yes?
happyblackwoman
happyblackwoman
happyblackwoman
happyblackwoman
I am online dating and have had more dates in the last four months than in the last four years. It has been a wonderful experience once I learned to enjoy the process. I may not find my soulmate online but I have met, talked to flirted with texted and dated men from a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. Coming off a toxic relationship, it has been a great way to meet new people with no expectations on either side. Rosetta I want to thank you as your post about online dating planted a seed. If you have your mind right it’s far better than sitting at home bemoaning your loneliness. And on top of it, I’m over 40 and a size 16-18 which has not hurt me in the least! So ladies be encouraged and think of it as a fun way to expand your horizons. Instead of being on a desperate search for a ring, just be open and it will be a positive, learning experience.
Thank you for sharing your experience here! I loved your comment so much, I turned it into today’s blog post
http://happyblackwoman.com/a-realistic-reason-to-try-online-dating/
Just what I needed to remember right now. I’ve been talking on the phone with a guy I met during the December 31-Day Reset challenge–in fact, I met him when I went out to Revive My Love Life! He’s funny, educated and opinionated but not overbearing, and the conversation is great. He also lives about 3 or 4 hours away from the city I’ll probably leave soon. So this post is a great reminder to stop wondering, “But where is this going?” and start enjoying, “And look where we are now!”
Also, I’ve been reading this great book by Beverly Engel, Loving Him Without Losing You, that has really eye-opening info about moving slow to create full relationships–both with yourself and with any man you encounter. Definitely recommended for anyone tired of losing themselves in relationships and men or trying to be that “perfect 10″ only to resent it.
Thanks for the refresher. Haven’t dated or been in a relationship in a while. It’d be nice to get 1 date this year, but socializing a little bit more & meeting men on a friendly basis has been refreshing. Scenarios play out in my head (LMAO), but reality is much better & more relaxing.
Read my latest blog post…Melts in your mouth (again).
Well, now you’ll have to come back & tell us all about when you get your 1 date this year
Thank you much for this story. These are all pointers that I will make mental notes of. At 38 years old and single, its just becoming clear to me that being too attached to the outcome has been a real problem in my last few “dealings” with men. It has prevented me from comfortably being myself. I was trying so hard to be the perfect woman and who I thought the man of the moment wanted me to be.Im now learning that its ok to date more than one man at a time. This is a great way to give myself time to get to know people and to not put so much focus on one person. Im learning to enjoy the experiences and not be so serious and outcome driven! Thanks again for the reminder….
Ah, I’ve been there, too: “I was trying so hard to be the perfect woman and who I thought the man of the moment wanted me to be.”
In the end, it just made me resent the men I was with, when it was MY own fault for trying to be someone I wasn’t.
And dating more than one man at a time is a good path to feeling less outcome-driven IMO. It gives you more space to explore & reflect on what you like & don’t like without getting too attached to one person too soon.
Awww I hope you stay too!!! I can feel the light he’s brought into your world thus far and I hope you two continue getting to know each other. Some encounters are for the moment and some for a lifetime. Whatever his purpose, I’m glad the introduction brought inspiration. Living life while sharing love is the best feeling ever
Read my latest blog post…5 Things You May Be Doing To Stifle Your Success
I definitely agree with this: “Some encounters are for the moment and some for a lifetime.”
My goal is to enjoy the moments & be open to the possibility of more
I think we get attached to the outcome b/c we fear being strung along or being played. The reality is we have to give potential partners the space to figure out if they want to be with us as we should be doing the same.
I’m trying to learn from my experiences. I don’t have an active romantic-love life right now. I’m just learning how to be friends with men (and learning to be a better friend in general).
Read my latest blog post…As of Late
Oh man, this is such an important reminder: “The reality is we have to give potential partners the space to figure out if they want to be with us as we should be doing the same.”
It’s taken me a long time to realize that jumping right into relationship conversations just shortchanges the process of becoming friends along the way. There’s been so much value for me in evaluating potential partners through the “would I want to be friends with this person?” lens.
Thanks for this! I was recently in the same position, returning from an extended trip with the intention of moving away. I was couchsurfing with friends while I looked for work out of state, and I accidentally met a wonderful guy and fell in love, and now I plan on staying to pursue the relationship. Interestingly, meeting him this way allowed me to totally be myself. I was, after all, going to move away, so what did I have to lose if I just let it all hang out? And that, the real me, is what he fell in love with. And now we’ve been dating for four months, and I’ve never felt more myself than I am with him. Pretty cool.
What a sweet story! Thanks so much for sharing it here. It’s amazing what’s possible when we allow ourselves to open up to love.