This was the conversation I had with my mother last week. It was the same variation of a conversation I’ve had with her over the last few years that I’ve been thinking about getting rid of my relaxed mane for a natural ‘do. Ever since college when my feminist theory class opened my eyes to the way women are pressured to look a certain way. Ever since India.Arie’s “I Am Not My Hair.” Ever since I started making friends who had heads full of beautiful, healthy, natural hair. My Twitter timeline is full of them. I admire them that much more because I know that making the decision to go natural takes courage. All the natural hair websites I’ve been perusing warn of objections from family and boyfriends about your new hairstyle. When I was almost at the point of making the transition in 2007, my mom and sister said I would look “nappy,” “like an African.” Their insinuation was that I’d look . . . ugly.
But I remember when I was a little girl and everyone used to say I had hair like Chaka Khan. I had so much hair, it hurt Grama’s hands to comb through it and braid it. So she started taking me down to Miss Ernestine’s for a press and curl. I must’ve been about six when I started going over to her house and down to the basement where she had that dreaded hot comb that sizzled when it hit my kinky ‘fro.
I had beautiful hair.
Then mom started putting something called Wave Nouveau in my hair, back when it was in the pink bottles. To make it more manageable. It made me look like I had a Jheri curl! I was straight outta Compton looking like Eazy-E at 10 years old. I don’t know why or when, but by the time I was 12, I was getting that creamy crack relaxer in my hair every 4-6 weeks.
Hair is a big deal for the women in my family. When we all get together, we inspect each other’s edges. “When was the last time you got a perm?” my aunt asks. I shrug. “Maybe 2 weeks ago.” “You look nappy,” she says, scrunching up her face. Well, hello to you too, Auntie.
Every time I made some statement about even cutting my hair, all hell would break loose. There would be a cacophony of dissent, with my mom; sister; aunt; grandmother and cousins all yelling at me about how many years it’s taken to grow my hair this long and why would I be crazy enough to cut it?
When I was 16, I got my first weave. I thought I was the shit. THE SHIT. I walked around school like couldn’t nobody touch me. Or my hair. I had all the boys in the yard. And I liked it that way. But the superficiality of wearing fake hair wore off on me pretty quickly. After a while, I decided: no more ponytails or Yaki straight to make me look like a video vixen. So I’ve been getting a relaxer and roller wrap for the past seven years, with the occasional roller set or bob haircut.
I remember one time I got a short bob haircut. It was 2005. My boyfriend (and soon to be fiance) K had implored me not to cut my hair. “Why?” I asked him. “Because I like you the way I met you: skinny and with long hair.” This is what he told me right before he went out of town for 2 weeks. When he came back, I had cut off four inches of my hair. He wouldn’t talk to me for a couple days. But he got used to it. I teased him by saying, “at least I’m still skinny.”
Fast forward. No faster.
I’ve been sick off and on this month. So I haven’t made it to the hairdresser. Actually, I haven’t gotten a relaxer in two months. I’ve just been greasing my scalp, putting a few curls in, and brushing it back with a headband. I started wondering once more, what it would be like if I just cut it all off and started growing it out sans-relaxer. Would it be soft and curly? Or stiff and coarse? Would it revert back to my Chaka Khan hair days? Could I brave the hot comb once again?
I told my mom what I was contemplating.
Me: I’ve decided to grow out my natural hair.
Silence.
Mom: Do you want to keep the rocket scientist?
Me: Not if he cares that much about my hair!
I said it with strength and confidence, but inside I was a little panicked. So I called the rocket scientist.
Me: Baby. I’m thinking about changing my hair. I’m going to go natural.
The Rocket Scientist: I knew this was coming.
Me: Oh, you must have been reading my Twitter.
The Rocket Scientist: You’ve been talking about changing your hair for a while now.
Me: I think I’ll get braids first to grow it out.
The Rocket Scientist: Braids would be . . . interesting.
Me: So does that mean you wouldn’t like them?
The Rocket Scientist: I don’t know. I’ve never had a girlfriend with braids. Send me some pictures.
I did. Send him the pictures, I mean. I tried to act like I didn’t care what he was going to say. This was MY decision! Not his. But my mom’s question lingered in my ears.
The next day, the rocket scientist called me on his lunch break.
The Rocket Scientist: I like the braids.
Me: Really?
The Rocket Scientist: Babe, I support you with whatever you want to do with your hair. I’m not THAT shallow.
Me: And this is why I love you.
Tomorrow, I’m going to the hairdresser, not to get a relaxer and a roller wrap, but to get a head full of braids for the first time. Instead of doing the “big chop” and wear a baby afro, I’m taking baby steps to grow my hair out underneath the braids. I think I’m going to go with the micro braids. I just hope I can stand being in the chair for 8 hours!
How did I finally make the decision, you ask? I had to remind myself that 2010 is the year of happy. MY happy. Not anyone else’s.
happyblackwoman
happyblackwoman
happyblackwoman
happyblackwoman
I really love this post. After having no relaxer in nearly a decade, I kept a press going for a while because the man I was dating liked it Gabrielle Union straight. But as soon as we were over, I decided to just rock the real me and I have never looked back. It’s amazing how people feel entitled to make OUR hair THEIR business — and how we permit them. At 39, I am getting more and more OK with being who I am — kinky curly hair and all — and it feels great!
Good morning, Happy April Fool’s Day!!
Bud, from Texas, is on holiday in Israel and meets farmer Shlomo there. Bud asks Shlomo what he does.
“I raise a few chickens,” says Shlomo. “I’m also a farmer.”
“So am I. How much land do you have?” asks Bud.
“Fifty meters in front, and almost a hundred at the back.”
Now it was the turn of Shlomo to ask a question.
“Youre from Texas, so what about your farm?” asks Shlomo.
Bud tells him, “On my farm, I can drive from morning until sundown and not reach the end of my property.”
“That’s too bad,” says Shlomo. “I once had a car like that.”
Happy April Fool’s Day!
Good morning, Happy April Fool’s Day!!
Bud, from Texas, is on holiday in Israel and meets farmer Shlomo there. Bud asks Shlomo what he does.
“I raise a few chickens,” says Shlomo. “I’m also a farmer.”
“So am I. How much land do you have?” asks Bud.
“Fifty meters in front, and almost a hundred at the back.”
Now it was the turn of Shlomo to ask a question.
“Youre from Texas, so what about your farm?” asks Shlomo.
Bud tells him, “On my farm, I can drive from morning until sundown and not reach the end of my property.”
“That’s too bad,” says Shlomo. “I once had a car like that.”
Happy April Fool’s Day!
Back in ’07 when I decided to cut my relaxed hair off, I contemplated mentioning what to I was going to do to my boyfriend, but then I decided to just surprise him. In my mind, if he had something negative to say, he could get to steppin’. He lived with me,so he came home one day and the hair was gone. He knew better than to say anything crazy. He just looked at me. Later on, he said that he wished that I had discussed it with him first. He got used to it after a while. A man who is “hair-struck” is a major turn-off to me.
Back in ’07 when I decided to cut my relaxed hair off, I contemplated mentioning what to I was going to do to my boyfriend, but then I decided to just surprise him. In my mind, if he had something negative to say, he could get to steppin’. He lived with me,so he came home one day and the hair was gone. He knew better than to say anything crazy. He just looked at me. Later on, he said that he wished that I had discussed it with him first. He got used to it after a while. A man who is “hair-struck” is a major turn-off to me.
It is hard to believe that men are that shallow but some of them just are. Hair is one of my big issues – not in what I want to do to it but what everyone else expects me to do with it. One guy told me that I just wouldn’t be me without my hair. I’ve been talking about going natural for a looong time now (I still haven’t done it) and whoever I’m dating always has something negative to say about it. It’s because many of us were raised to think that black hair textures are bad and everything has to be straight. Any departure from straight for me gets all kinds of negative comments. My relaxed hair is thick as all get out – and people still feel the need to say something negative about that. I don’t know why we continue to make hair such a big deal. God certainly didn’t make us with relaxed hair. (I say that knowing that the only reason I haven’t gone natural yet is because of the in between time waiting for it to grow.)
If he loves you, your hair should not be an issue. If he really did break up with you over your hair, perhaps he has some issues within himself that he needs to resolve.
Ugh. I hate that people can fix their lips to say you wouldn’t be you without your hair. What if you got cancer (heaven forbid) and went bald? Would everyone just go running and never speak to you again?
At first I got hung up on the issue of being patient and having to wait for my hair to grow. But then I had to flip that on its head and really examine why length was so important to me as well. Am I only pretty if I have long hair? Who knew that going natural isn’t just a physical process, but a psychological one as well…
It is hard to believe that men are that shallow but some of them just are. Hair is one of my big issues – not in what I want to do to it but what everyone else expects me to do with it. One guy told me that I just wouldn’t be me without my hair. I’ve been talking about going natural for a looong time now (I still haven’t done it) and whoever I’m dating always has something negative to say about it. It’s because many of us were raised to think that black hair textures are bad and everything has to be straight. Any departure from straight for me gets all kinds of negative comments. My relaxed hair is thick as all get out – and people still feel the need to say something negative about that. I don’t know why we continue to make hair such a big deal. God certainly didn’t make us with relaxed hair. (I say that knowing that the only reason I haven’t gone natural yet is because of the in between time waiting for it to grow.)
If he loves you, your hair should not be an issue. If he really did break up with you over your hair, perhaps he has some issues within himself that he needs to resolve.
Ugh. I hate that people can fix their lips to say you wouldn’t be you without your hair. What if you got cancer (heaven forbid) and went bald? Would everyone just go running and never speak to you again?
At first I got hung up on the issue of being patient and having to wait for my hair to grow. But then I had to flip that on its head and really examine why length was so important to me as well. Am I only pretty if I have long hair? Who knew that going natural isn’t just a physical process, but a psychological one as well…
Just for clarification sake Ro, I said “What does Jim think about it” I did say its nice to run things by (changes) to get a feel for how they would react. Not to ask permission, but to just give him a heads up.
I would never want you to sacrafice YOU for any fool!
There it is then…:-)
Well, you were right anyway…
Just for clarification sake Ro, I said “What does Jim think about it” I did say its nice to run things by (changes) to get a feel for how they would react. Not to ask permission, but to just give him a heads up.
I would never want you to sacrafice YOU for any fool!
There it is then…:-)
Well, you were right anyway…
that is so cool that he was on your side ’cause i think is when your man is not or your side that is difficult ,especially when you live together .
that is so cool that he was on your side ’cause i think is when your man is not or your side that is difficult ,especially when you live together .
being a woman of mixed heritage (my grandfather is Puerto Rican, and my father’s grandfather is Indian), I have not “had” to relax my hair, but chose to do so, so that I could manage it better in humid weather. What we won’t do to ourselves, just for the sake of doing it! I didn’t even have a problem with combs getting through my hair, or not being able to style it in many different ways. I just wanted to relax it. Well, I stopped. And even though I don’t relax it, I find myself still using a flat iron. Will the madness never end? I solute you and your decision to go natural!
being a woman of mixed heritage (my grandfather is Puerto Rican, and my father’s grandfather is Indian), I have not “had” to relax my hair, but chose to do so, so that I could manage it better in humid weather. What we won’t do to ourselves, just for the sake of doing it! I didn’t even have a problem with combs getting through my hair, or not being able to style it in many different ways. I just wanted to relax it. Well, I stopped. And even though I don’t relax it, I find myself still using a flat iron. Will the madness never end? I solute you and your decision to go natural!
Good for you! Your hair, your decision!
Good for you! Your hair, your decision!
It’s your hair do what you want with it.
It’s your hair do what you want with it.
I think you will love going natural. I went last year and I haven’t looked back. It’s so easy to deal with. I love it. Once you find the products and the look for you, go with it. I just cut off my shoulder length natural for a close crop. I love that too. I plan to grow it out a little more later this summer, but for right now it’s short, sassy, and oh so me.
I think you will love going natural. I went last year and I haven’t looked back. It’s so easy to deal with. I love it. Once you find the products and the look for you, go with it. I just cut off my shoulder length natural for a close crop. I love that too. I plan to grow it out a little more later this summer, but for right now it’s short, sassy, and oh so me.
Excellent post. As I’ve told you, my Mom has been making snide comments about my “naps” and the “ropes” in my hair for the 8+years I’ve been keeping it in twists. She missed my chin-length flat, dull wrapped do. Whatev. I never gave a damn. Hell, she has worn a weave and now a wig for YEARS now. Her hair has thinned out significantly from the beautiful mane she used to have in part because of years of perming. I want to still have a full, healthy head of natural hair at her age. When I have my sisterlocks installed, I’m sure she will have further colorful commentary.
As I told you, great answer regarding keeping RS. I had no doubt that he would accept whatever you choose to do with your hair. The woman he loves hasn’t disappeared with the inches of hair you’ve removed from your head. He knows what’s up
You have friends that support you in this journey. And it IS a journey. Bravo to you! We’ll combine our happy hours into support group sessions since most of us are natural anyway. LOL!
Excellent post. As I’ve told you, my Mom has been making snide comments about my “naps” and the “ropes” in my hair for the 8+years I’ve been keeping it in twists. She missed my chin-length flat, dull wrapped do. Whatev. I never gave a damn. Hell, she has worn a weave and now a wig for YEARS now. Her hair has thinned out significantly from the beautiful mane she used to have in part because of years of perming. I want to still have a full, healthy head of natural hair at her age. When I have my sisterlocks installed, I’m sure she will have further colorful commentary.
As I told you, great answer regarding keeping RS. I had no doubt that he would accept whatever you choose to do with your hair. The woman he loves hasn’t disappeared with the inches of hair you’ve removed from your head. He knows what’s up
You have friends that support you in this journey. And it IS a journey. Bravo to you! We’ll combine our happy hours into support group sessions since most of us are natural anyway. LOL!
I’m glad you are doing what you want to do with your hair! I’m loving my natural head of hair and whoever doesn’t and can’t keep their mouth shut about it can keep it moving….
I’m glad you are doing what you want to do with your hair! I’m loving my natural head of hair and whoever doesn’t and can’t keep their mouth shut about it can keep it moving….
Welcome to our side! You brought back so many memories of the women in my family with your “edges” story! You will always be beautiful with or without the perm. I’ve been natural for about 15 years — made the decision during my senior year in high school, and it was one of the biggest defining moments of my life. Yes, my family made jokes. My mom cried. My sister pointed, laughed, and said I was ugly. But they eventually wound up going natural too about 5 years after me. So you may be inspiration for others to follow you. Your hair will probably not be what you remember it to be as our hair changes with age. You just need to become familiar with what your new hair will be able to do, instead of forcing it to do something it was never meant to do. Enjoy your new hair
Welcome to our side! You brought back so many memories of the women in my family with your “edges” story! You will always be beautiful with or without the perm. I’ve been natural for about 15 years — made the decision during my senior year in high school, and it was one of the biggest defining moments of my life. Yes, my family made jokes. My mom cried. My sister pointed, laughed, and said I was ugly. But they eventually wound up going natural too about 5 years after me. So you may be inspiration for others to follow you. Your hair will probably not be what you remember it to be as our hair changes with age. You just need to become familiar with what your new hair will be able to do, instead of forcing it to do something it was never meant to do. Enjoy your new hair
Good decision! I have been going natural since October 09 and I have been doing it the hard way (not cutting my hair all off). My inspiration and motivation: http://www.lecoil.tumblr.com!
Good decision! I have been going natural since October 09 and I have been doing it the hard way (not cutting my hair all off). My inspiration and motivation: http://www.lecoil.tumblr.com!