My Friend Omari and Why I Believe Happiness is a Choice

My friend Omari called me the day I reactivated my Match.com subscription. He’d seen my profile during his own search for a “match” on the site. I hadn’t told  him about the breakup. He was outraged. He said he would never break up with a girl because of her hair. I was relieved to hear a man tell me this was abnormal behavior. That the rocket scientist was an outlier.

Omari and I have been friends for years. We’re both extremely quirky introverts. We “get” each other. He knows my history of breaking up with most guys after only a few months. He knows how I run from the altar. So he also knew that this relationship was different for me. He said all the right things to make me feel better. I was so caught up in my own misery that I’d almost forgotten about his recent breakup with his girlfriend of three years. I had pictured them headed to the altar. In August, I’d had a dinner party with the four of us. He and the rocket scientist really hit it off. We played girls against boys in Taboo. Then, all of a sudden, they were splitting up.

All of a sudden, we were splitting up.

After Omari’s breakup, he didn’t seem to mourn very long. He accepted what happened and tried to go on with his life the best he could. We went to a play a few weeks after they split. I looked in his eyes for a tinge of sadness. I saw that, but I saw determination there, too. He seemed to have made a vow with himself to be happy no matter what. He’d already started dating again. He was talking about starting his book club back up. He was still going on his daily runs. He was still cooking good food for himself and taking care of his body.

That’s when I remembered that happiness is a choice.

You don’t just “get happy” by accident. Happiness is not something that just happens to you. People don’t determine your happiness, either. If that were the case, breakups would mean you would never be happy again. You just have to keep doing the things that make you happy, I guess. On day four after the breakup, I started eating again. I made buffalo wings and potato skins from scratch because I love to cook. I started to feel happy. And then I thought, wait, I’m not happy. What’s going on? I feel horrible.

Then I remembered that happiness is not an absolute state. It’s not this nirvana that exists in totality or perpetuity once you achieve it. Happiness is a combination of many happy moments strung together as often as possible.

There are days ahead that I know will bring me tears. There will be a random memory of me and the rocket scientist lying on the beach in Hawaii drinking margaritas. There will be the sense of loss of a lover and a friend.

But that doesn’t mean that I’m not going to be happy.

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