I never did believe in soulmates.
I never believed in love, really until I got to college. Oh sure, I’d had your typical high school crushes. I even dated this dude for a year, which is pretty much a lifetime in high school. But I had the most fun when I wasn’t dating one person exclusively. I thought I was big pimpin’ when I learned how to meet older guys with cars who could take me on real dates instead of just hanging out at the mall. (I should note that I went to high school in Honolulu, Hawaii, where it’s pretty easy for a 17 year old young black woman to attract the attention of all the 18-21 year old young military guys on the island.) All of a sudden it was raining men. I met them at the mall, at the beach, on the military base. Seemed like every weekend I had a date with a different guy, sometimes going on several dates in one weekend. I loved the attention, the free dinners and movies, the gifts. But they all bored me. I said I would never fall in love. Men were too dumb. They couldn’t even hold my 17 year old attention for more than two dates.
I liked being a heartbreaker.
Then I moved to Virginia where I went to college. I met R in my junior year. I was working as a concierge for a five-star hotel. Soon after I started working there, I did a double take on one of the bellhops – a tall, chocolate man with glasses. Lawdamercy. I love a man in glasses. I schemed my way into working the same shifts he did until one night he asked me out for pizza. He had apparently been eyeing me too, because when we went to get our coats at the end of that night, I realized that he’d placed a single red rose in my coat pocket. “A rose for a Rose,” he said with a sly smile.
We became inseparable. He worshiped me. I adored him. It was so weird. Me, actually giving a damn if I saw someone again? We became best friends. I was falling head over heels and it felt right.
Three months later, he said he knew he wanted to marry me. Six months later, he bought me a promise ring. We were barely 21. He couldn’t afford a real engagement ring. But of course there were snags. He came from a very wealthy family. Old money. His parents paid for us all to go to South Beach as a graduation gift for R. We had dinner together one night on the strip. In those days, I said everything that came to mind. They thought I was too independent. They thought I was so wrong for their son that his father said if he stayed with me, he would take R out of his will. Things got complicated.
We lasted two years. Then my grandfather died. Everything got even more confusing. My grandfather had been paying my rent. I was about to graduate, I had no money, and I needed a job. I decided to move to DC. I decided to leave R behind.
I thought I would never fall in love again.
Six months later, I meet K. God, I loved that man. We met on Yahoo Personals. A year later, we were engaged. A few months after that, we broke up. I was so disillusioned about love at this point that I swore off dating for a year.
Two years later, I meet the rocket scientist. And you know how that story goes.
This is why I don’t believe in soulmates. If there were only one man in the entire universe that was specifically made for me, how could I have fallen in love three times in my life? Is the logic that since my previous romances didn’t last forever that they were fake? That we were just practicing for the real thing? I don’t think that’s it. I think that the love I gave was real, and the love I received was real. If I ran into R or K or the rocket scientist on the street tomorrow, my heart would still jump. I will always love those men. I will always carry a part of them with me. They changed my life.
The rocket scientist was my third love. If I believed in soulmates, right now I would be bracing myself to live the rest of my life alone. But I don’t. I believe that we can – and do – choose to love many different people throughout our lifetime, and each time is no less valid than the last. Which means, dear reader, that when I’m ready for number four, he will come. He will come.
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Rosetta, i agree. no matter what steve harvey or anyone says, i refuse to believe that the “cookie” is the only thing we have to offer a man, nor is it the most valuable thing we have to offer.
every relationship has the opportunity to teach us a lesson, to teach us how to either guard our heart or to open our heart a little more, or whatever it is we need to learn at this time.
as much as i was glad i left longhairdontcare
, i’m glad i went thru that so i could learn how i wanted to be treated and what i would and would not tolerate from then on out.
Rosetta, i agree. no matter what steve harvey or anyone says, i refuse to believe that the “cookie” is the only thing we have to offer a man, nor is it the most valuable thing we have to offer.
every relationship has the opportunity to teach us a lesson, to teach us how to either guard our heart or to open our heart a little more, or whatever it is we need to learn at this time.
as much as i was glad i left longhairdontcare
, i’m glad i went thru that so i could learn how i wanted to be treated and what i would and would not tolerate from then on out.
Yes, #4 will come but if you always did what you’ve always done then do not expect anything differently. What do I mean by that? We as women often times become blinded by the illusion of love after we give up the “cookie.” Just because a man whispers nice things in your ear, buys you gifts and takes you out does not mean he is into you. Some men scheme and scam to get what they want and after it’s gotten, they are like a thief in the night, they disappear leaving you without a clue as to what happened. I know this story all to well because I have been in your shoes over and over and over again. In fact, I’ve lived the same story with so many men that I now know how the story will end. I am currently single but I got a plan for the next one. I am saving myself. If a man does not get the “cookie” from me then who cares if he walks or stays. My destiny and soul will not be tied to him so it would be easy to bounce back. I once heard Juanita Bynum say, men are projectors and women are receptors. When a male and female experience intercourse they become ONE. When a man leaves the woman, you two are still bonded. Sometimes we are bonded to those men for years and year and we continuosly bond with other men without first having “de-bonded” with the others. The reason why some of us are still single and have never gotten married is because we’ve never divorced all those other men that we are bonded with. We carry their souls, their spirits and their BAGGAGE into our next relationship and expect “John Doe” to mend our broken hearts. He can’t give you all that you need and knows this so he flees. Then you’re left wondering WHY POOR ME has been hurt yet again. Think on these thoughts my little sister. These words are not just for you but for me as well.
Regards,
V
Thanks for your insight! Over the years I’ve made a conscious effort not to do what I’ve always done….but not necessarily to avoid getting hurt. I’ve actually done the opposite in trying to work to better myself after each break-up because I know that it takes two. Every heartbreak is not always just the man’s fault, because believe me I’ve done my own dirt way too many times.
It’s interesting that you’re saving yourself. I’ve never considered my “cookie” to be all that I have to offer a man. So if I give it up or not, I would still be hurt if we broke up. I’m also intrigued by the idea of “de-bonding” but I don’t know if that’s really possible. I feel like everyone you’ve truly connected with on a deep level is going to stay in your system for a long time.
Yes, #4 will come but if you always did what you’ve always done then do not expect anything differently. What do I mean by that? We as women often times become blinded by the illusion of love after we give up the “cookie.” Just because a man whispers nice things in your ear, buys you gifts and takes you out does not mean he is into you. Some men scheme and scam to get what they want and after it’s gotten, they are like a thief in the night, they disappear leaving you without a clue as to what happened. I know this story all to well because I have been in your shoes over and over and over again. In fact, I’ve lived the same story with so many men that I now know how the story will end. I am currently single but I got a plan for the next one. I am saving myself. If a man does not get the “cookie” from me then who cares if he walks or stays. My destiny and soul will not be tied to him so it would be easy to bounce back. I once heard Juanita Bynum say, men are projectors and women are receptors. When a male and female experience intercourse they become ONE. When a man leaves the woman, you two are still bonded. Sometimes we are bonded to those men for years and year and we continuosly bond with other men without first having “de-bonded” with the others. The reason why some of us are still single and have never gotten married is because we’ve never divorced all those other men that we are bonded with. We carry their souls, their spirits and their BAGGAGE into our next relationship and expect “John Doe” to mend our broken hearts. He can’t give you all that you need and knows this so he flees. Then you’re left wondering WHY POOR ME has been hurt yet again. Think on these thoughts my little sister. These words are not just for you but for me as well.
Regards,
V
Thanks for your insight! Over the years I’ve made a conscious effort not to do what I’ve always done….but not necessarily to avoid getting hurt. I’ve actually done the opposite in trying to work to better myself after each break-up because I know that it takes two. Every heartbreak is not always just the man’s fault, because believe me I’ve done my own dirt way too many times.
It’s interesting that you’re saving yourself. I’ve never considered my “cookie” to be all that I have to offer a man. So if I give it up or not, I would still be hurt if we broke up. I’m also intrigued by the idea of “de-bonding” but I don’t know if that’s really possible. I feel like everyone you’ve truly connected with on a deep level is going to stay in your system for a long time.