“There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you.”
- David Burns
This is a common complaint in romantic relationships: “He doesn’t make me happy.”
Well, of course he doesn’t. Because he can’t.
No one can “make” you happy.
You might feel happy when you’re around your partner, but it is not their job to manage your emotions. In fact, no one in your life should have the responsibility for “making” you happy. (And vice versa.)
Think of what a burden that would be, to not only have to maintain your own well-being in life, but to also take on the task of managing the happiness of someone else. No matter what you do, it would seem like it’s never enough. The other person is bound to have bad days, and it would be emotionally draining to blame yourself for their discontent.
Anyway, what we really mean when we say “he doesn’t make me happy” is one of two things:
- I don’t feel happy when I’m around him.
- I don’t make myself happy.
“I don’t feel happy when I’m around him.”
If you don’t feel happy around your romantic partner, it’s a good idea to examine why. Do you do fun things together? If not, that’s an easy one to fix. Plan a picnic at the park or a movie night. Have more sex. Are there trust issues between the two of you? If yes, seek to address them. There’s no way you can be feeling happy as you’re sneaking around to check his phone every night, looking for a text from her. Is your partner abusive (emotionally or physically) or manipulative? If so, you already know what to do. It’s time to exit the relationship NOW.
“I don’t make myself happy.”
Sometimes, we blame other people for our own lack of self-care. It can be easier to point the finger outward instead of looking inward. You may be feeling unhappy because YOU haven’t done anything for yourself in a long time. Sure, it would be nice for your partner to bring you flowers or pay for you to have a spa day, but it’s not something they are required to do. Furthermore, if you’re unhappy with your life, you can’t expect anyone to be able to come along and fix it. It’s best to go to the source and take the time to heal whatever needs to be healed right now. Just don’t place that burden on your partner. It guarantees an unhealthy relationship that will only end up making your life worse than it was in the first place.
But, isn’t that the reason we get into romantic relationships? So they can fill the lonely void within us? So they can address the unhappiness we’ve felt for so long, wondering if we’d ever find “the one?” Um…NO. Although, a lot of women seem to believe this. In a way, I think we’ve even been programmed to. The Disney princess stories and all that. But when we live our lives according to this fairy tale, we set ourselves up for disappointment.
That person you think will never let you down? They will. The one you said you would never hurt in a million years? You will. Not because they want to or because you intended to, but because we are all HUMAN.
And humans will fail you. Over and over and over again.
Let them.
Then, you will begin to see that you can’t depend on other people for your own happiness. You will know the truth that at the end of the day, after all the painful yearning and bitter disappointment, you are still standing. You are still able to love and forgive.
You are still enough.
***
I owe this powerful life lesson to one of the books that completely changed how I approach my relationships, especially romantic ones: Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life by Byron Katie. If you seek growth in this area, I highly recommend it as a resource for your journey. Just be ready with a highlighter and some tissues, because the book goes DEEP.
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I thank u for this article it was a eye opener for me and my spirit..I was just googling things and ur page popped up..I know that wasnt nobody but the good Lord guiding me to ur encouraging words..Thanx U for that..
I’m so glad the article resonated with you, Gina! Thanks for your comment – feel free to stick around a while
This article speaks to me in so many ways. I am constantly fighting the “he doesn’t make me happy” part. Somewhere in the back of my mind i know his actions shouldn’t determine whether or not i’m happy but i still find that it does. But i sure am working on determining my own happiness. And i will look for the book you mention in you post Rosetta.
I hope you’re able to get the book, Pauline! I think it will help a lot with what you’re struggling with here. There is a whole section in the book that talks about separating our partner’s actions from our interpretation of them and our feelings about them.
You hit the nail right on the head. Happiness comes from within. No man can make you happy. No matter how handsome he is. When I met my ex husband he was the most good looking man I ever saw. I was so excited and happy. But it was a superficial happiness and the bubble soon burst. My life turned into a living nightmare within a few months of meeting him.
I always used to look for men to make me happy. Big mistake! I learned the hard way.
I Thank God for coming along and literally changing my life. If not, I dread to think where I would be now. I’ve been single for many years. And for the first time in my life I am truly happy, without a man.
Thanks for this article.
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June – I love that you share your experiences here and on your blogs. I’m sure that your past mistakes are preventing other ladies from going through what you did. Your story is so inspiring because you went through all that and yet you are STILL HERE!
I can’t remember who, but there was someone wise who said that the only way to know if we’re truly happy is if we can be alone with ourselves. I know from experience that if I can’t be single and happy, then I won’t be coupled and happy, either.
I agree with this article true happiness comes from with us. I tried to find happiness in so many things,people and family. None of these worked. It wasn’t until I conducted a complete self examination to why I wasn’t happy. I found out so much about myself…one reason I was unhappy, because I was still bitter about being sexually and emotionally abused when I was teen. There were several other reasons, but this was the most damaging. Once I sought God and his grace for healing…my happiness, my love, and my confidence is more powerful than. What was intended for my harm God has transformed it into something beautiful! Yes, God gets all the credit for the life I have now.
Corrections…happiness comes from within us.
more powerful than ever.
I got a little too excited…
Monique, I can relate to your response. I just completed 4 months of counseling dealing with issues from my past that had consumed my mind for a VERY long time. I feel so liberated and I give all glory to GOD for the healing process.
I choose happiness. I choose freedom.
Thank you for sharing!
To SS…
You are welcome. That is my God given purpose to give inspiration and hope to the broken. If God delivered me he will deliver anyone who invite him to.
I mean, I was an emotional wreck. The abuse affected my everyday life. I couldn’t be the wife I wanted to be because of the it. I thank God for sending me a fighter for a husband. Also,I became emotionally attached to people who abused me emotionally…I got it together though by the grace of God. Now, he is using my story to inspire other women.
Stay encouraged SS…
It amazing what can happen when we commit to our own healing. Thank you for sharing part of your story here – so happy you made it through and are better for it!
Great points! One thing I’ve also learned about myself is that I tend to focus mostly on the negative actions. My boyfriend can do 1,000 things correctly and I then become unhappy if he does one thing that I dislike! During those moments, I should stop and realize he is a good person and that he has good and bad days like the rest of us.
And, as you point out — I shouldn’t let others control my emotions. I should be happy because I choose to be happy.
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Oh man, I can get like this too. It takes a conscious effort (I call it the angel on my shoulder LOL) to remind myself that my partner IS my partner because of how I feel about him, not because he remembers to put the toilet seat down.
This is a very powerful article! All too often we rely on others to determine our happiness which should not be the case. Like you said, you have to be happy within yourself no one can do that for you just as you cannot do that for someone else. This article came right on time for me. So thank you!
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts here, Sarah! We all have to take responsibility for our own happiness. So glad the article resonated with you.