Reset Your Life Day 17: Find a Good Therapist

This post is Day 17 of the 31 Days to Reset Your Life Challenge. Learn more and sign up for the program here.

Over the past couple of weeks, several of you have commented that this challenge is “like therapy.” But while many of the exercises have proven to be therapeutic in nature, personal reflection is not an adequate substitute for real therapy. I serve as a life, business and career coach, but I am not at all a licensed counselor or psychologist. In addition to personal development, working with a trained mental health professional is one of the most valuable investments you can make in yourself. Today, I encourage you to find a good therapist.

As I’ve mentioned before, I haven’t always had such a positive attitude about life. I went along for many years being pissed off at the world because of the cards I was dealt in life. I made some bad decisions and I hurt a lot of people in my romantic relationships simply because I didn’t know how to love myself, let alone how to love them. I was (and still am) working through issues related to family dysfunction and the death of my father and grandfather. As someone who took pride in “having my shit together,” it was incredibly difficult for me to pick up the phone and make that first appointment to see a therapist. But at some point, I realized that being “a strong black woman” didn’t mean that I wasn’t allowed to have feelings or be vulnerable. What it meant was that I needed to be wise enough to recognize when I needed help and not be afraid to go get it. It meant that I had to have the courage to love myself.

‎”Courage is not limited to the battlefield. The real tests of courage are much quieter. They are the inner tests, like enduring pain when the room is empty or standing alone when you’re misunderstood.” – Charles Swindoll

This is all just to say that if there are issues you’re struggling with in your life right now that are hard to handle on your own, it may be beneficial for you to see a therapist or counselor. Friends and family are nice, but again, they do not have the professional skills to really provide mental healing.

Day 17: Find a Good Therapist

If you don’t yet have a therapist, find one. A good therapist will be someone you feel comfortable talking to. It also helps if their office is in close proximity to your home, work or school. It shouldn’t be a hassle for you to get there for your sessions and you certainly don’t need the additional stress.

Here is a helpful tool for finding a good therapist in your area. You can search by state or by the specific issue you need help with. The directory also lists the type of insurance the therapist will accept.

Therapist Directory from Psychology Today

If you have health insurance, it is likely that your visits will be at least partially covered. And if you are a college/grad student, you can probably visit your campus counselor for free. (I worked with a very good counselor when I was in college right after my grandfather died, and it was the best thing I could have done at that time.)

Please hear me when I say that therapy is not just for people who suffer from depression. It helps everything in your life come together when you understand yourself and why certain things don’t seem to “click” together as they should. Therapy can help you work through personal issues that are preventing you from having healthy relationships with others. It can help you get back on track with your career. It can also help you eliminate some of the limiting beliefs that may be holding you back from pursuing your ideal life.

If you are comfortable doing so, please share your experience with us in the comments! Did you have a hard time picking up the phone to call the therapist’s office? If you already have a therapist, please feel free to post about how it has helped you. You never know who is reading your story…

Note: If you blogged about today’s assignment, please post the link in the comments so we can read it!
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33 comments

  1. Pingback: How to Rewrite the Story of Your Life | Happy Black Woman | Helping Women Design Their Ideal Lives

  2. I am not against therapy, but I’m going to pass on this exercise. I’ve really enjoyed reading the post above & I realize that therapy is necessary & helpful when needed. I will remember this if I ever feel the need to really talk to someone.

  3. Pingback: Why the People You Follow on Twitter Might Be Making You Miserable | Happy Black Woman | Personal Development for Success in Life + Business

  4. I am not against seeing a therapist. I feel that it’s good to talk with someone who has an unbiased opinion. It’s good to talk to someone and release all the things that you have been holding inside for years and years. A therapist can help you move forward with your life.

    I briefly looked at the therapists that my insurance covered. I have not had a chance to dig deep and call anyone.

  5. I never considered seeing a therapist. I am not against it. I will probably look into it and see how much my insurance will pay for. I also added a few comments on my blog.

    http://wp.me/p1D02I-K

  6. No it wasn’t difficult at all and it’s been a very eye-opening experience. I’m learning so much about my behaviors, thoughts, beliefs and their sources.

  7. Well this is a task I had an 8 year head start on, because things i am learning now are things my therapist had the answer to 8 years ago.

    So I had the answer. I even had some of the componants to work out the answer. I just never knew what the question was.

    Its like in my job when we are teaching math. We always say “Don’t give me the answer. Tell me how you worked it out.” Because if we know how to work it out, when we come across the same or similar problems again, we know exactly what to do. Or we can at least use some of what we know to help us figure it out.

    So 8 years of having the answer didn’t help me. I guess that is the difference between the NHS and private therapy – the NHS quickly finds the answer so that they can get you out and someone else in, whereas private therapy helps you work it out no matter how long it takes. I’m reminded of that episode of “Frasier” where Daphne says “I’m not like a psychiatrist. I can’t work with a patient for years and years and it doens’t matter if they ever get better.”(!)

    To be fair, i don’t think therapists drag out therapy for a payday (though that might be the case for some of them!) but i do think private therapists have less of an incentive to rush you.

  8. Therapy is sething that I’ve debated for the past couple of years so I wrote down a few number but have yet to call. We have an Employee Assistance program through work But I’ve been reluctant to go for fear that somebody at work would somehow find out. To be honest, I want to go to talk about the lack of fulfillment in this current position. I also want to talk about relationship issues. I actually brought the list home today, babysteps for me on this one.

  9. Pingback: The Difference Between Being Tough and Brave | Happy Black Woman | Personal Development for Success in Life, Love & Business

  10. I’m currently looking for therapist the strange things is I have seen a Physiotherapist for years.However it never occurred to me even although it been mentioned many times before that talking to a specific therapist would help the process. light bulb moment

  11. I am loving this process! I have been in therapy before. I currently am seeing a new therapist to help me with my depression and tendency to isolate. I don’t know if she is the one for me, but I’ll keep going a few more times. I’d like to know ask a question…does race/age/gender matter to you in choosing a therapist? I don’t think it does. But when I saw a black therapist about my daddy issues (he was physically abuse to my mother in front of me), her response (as I saw it) was a bit to dismissive, as if this is common (not a bit deal) practice. Whereas the white therapist seemed more alarmed. Maybe it’s just my interpretation. I think as a community black folks can be too dismissive of dysfunctional behavior because some of us tend to see it more often. I used to think all married couples fought physically. I felt frustrated by what I thought was a lack of real concern. Again, I probably misjudged the situation, but I’m wondering what others have experienced when it comes to race and therapy. Thanks Rosetta and family!

  13. I saw two different therapists. Both times I was around 5 months pregnant with each of my kids. The first time, I resisted the process and I didn’t get a whole out of it, but I noticed that when I talked, there was nothing I could say that seemed to shock my therapist and that made me want to try it the second time over 3 years later.

  14. I am very nervous and somewhat dreading doing this exercise. But this whole challenge was something totally new and different for me. And has forced me to do some thinking/self-evaluation. So I’m going to take a big girl pill and do this. I’m on a holiday break right now but when I get back next week, I will get on this. I’m really hoping my employer offers a good EAP.

  15. I’ve been putting this on the back burner for a while, so I’m glad that this is one of the exercises. I’ve always believed in therapy being beneficial to everyone, for a long time I even wanted to be a psychologist myself. However, I still haven’t signed up to see anyone and there’s no excuse for me – I have insurance – I just need to sit down and pick a therapist.

    The one time I did see someone was when I was struggling my sophomore year in college and my school offered free therapy sessions. It was just really helpful to sit and talk to someone without feeling like you were burdening them. Too often, I feel guilty laying down all of my troubles to my friends because I know they have their own things going on. Not only that, there’s always that fear of judgment that can keep you from saying exactly what you feel. So I bookmarked the directory and once the holidays are over, I’m going to give one of those therapists a call.

  16. This assignment was the easiest to catch up on! I’ve been seeing a counselor for 3 months. She’s great and came highly recommended by a good friend. Much of the focus has been on me taking better care of myself. I never realized how much I neglect my well-being (physical and emotional) as I try to be there for everyone else. Since starting, I’ve gotten much better at saying “no”, taking time for me, being clear about what I need/want to myself and others, as well as understanding I teach people how I to treat me by how I treat myself. Its been a great experience. My counselor’s style is great too. She knows how to let me “vent” but steer me to action without being forceful. Nice approach!

  19. Excellent idea! Unfortunately, this will be an exercise I will not be able to do anytime soon. I will not have insurance when the new year starts, so I wouldn’t be able to commit and paying out of pocket will be expensive. However, I will look into some alternatives :-)

  20. This is such a necessary post. I have been wanting to take this step all year, but could not figure out how to find one. This post gave me the necessary information and I plan to FULLY embrace this post and find one in the next week. (Yes, I know it’s a holiday week, but no time like the PRESENT.)

  21. YAY…Just found a therapist I’m going to call. Went to the website you posted and this one had some key words/phrases in her intro that captured me. One thing I used to say at the end of my blogs is “enjoy your journey, I’m sure enjoying mine”…and my mantra for the 31 Day Reset was about change “it is in you to change all you must do is be willing”. Here is her info and blurb:

    Dr. Tiffanie Davis Henry
    “Life is a journey! None of us are exempt from life’s ups & downs, and the only consistent thing in our lives is that “change” is inevitable. In my practice, we’ll work towards taking the necessary steps to make positive changes in your life so that you can reap the benefits of your new found happiness.”

    WHOO-HOO! Thanks for the push Rosetta! Can’t wait to meet her in person.

  22. This is powerful. Conversations like this make me want to utilize these social work degrees for therapy instead of the non-profit sector. I’ve been to therapy several times. The first time I was a senior in college. I was overwhelmed with the uncertainties of graduation, stress of obtaining an internship, classes full time, and a full time job back home (an hour away). I was actually forced to go by my advisor. She wouldn’t sign off and clear me for graduation until I went. She thought I was depressed I counteracted with I’m stressed. I was mad and hated her for that. Being a social work student I knew whet to say and how to say it. It was years after (I been out of college 5 years) when I realized I was depressed. Not only depressed but I was dealing with anxiety.fast forward to first career job. Supervisor was stressing me and here comes that demon again anxiety. Utilize EAP ; pointless.
    At another job utilize EAP don’t even remember my issue; useless. Then the last time I went was in 2008. I don’t know what it was about this particular therapist but I opened up like I never did before. I cried. I talked about a break up which was the main reason I went. But I discussed deaths I never dealt with, things people did to me as a child, all the other issues I went to previous therapist about but never opened up. Believe me therapy only works if you’re willing to work it. Kind of like AA I guess.
    Earlier this year I don’t know how I made it through. I was so depressed, stressed, and anxious. I was graduating with my masters in social work and had no plans (!still dont honestly ). My boyfriend cheated on me-didnt see that coming. I had no job lined up but the group home job I was working to get me through school. Finances were crazy. Having issues with my dad. Trying to work full time, internship, class work, and school in a diffetrnt city. It was horrible. One night on 3rd shift I had a break down. I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted…. I don’t know what I wanted so I called a friend and went to local hospital. That was no help. But I’m not going to get on my soapbox about that. I never received the help I needed that night. Somehow I got through the pain. But this is my 2 cents. I take mental illness very seriously. I know people who have committed suicide and have made attempts. Depression is real. This shit is real. So even if you are ok, it’s nothing wrong with a mental health check up every once in awhile. I know I need to hit up EAP from my episode earlier this year.
    I actually wrote about my incidents on my blog http://www.naturalbloggingsofayoungsocialworker.blogspot.com under label Big Girls Do Cry. It’s 4 parts. I also wrote about my hospital experience .I think it’s called I will never go to that hospital again. One last thing I wrote on http://www.Zora-Alice.com about it as well. Sorry I can’t post links but I’m typing from phone.
    Thanks Rosetta for addressing this topic.
    Sorry I was so long-winded.

    • boy do i know what it’s like to reach out for help & not get it! i went to a campus therapist 3/4 through my sophomore semester of college. i told the woman about how i’d been exploring suicide & all she asked me about was how i was going to catch up on all the classes i’d skipped. O_o. but i never gave up on finding help; i reached out to my network & discovered a counselor that really helped me work through my issues & also taught me about the seasonal affective disorder that impacts me every year.

      i also encourage people to check out peer support networks in their area: http://power2u.org/consumerrun-statewide.html (this list isn’t exhaustive, so if you don’t see an organization in your state, try google or call a nearby state organization to network).

  23. I took this step earlier this year and it was the best choice I made! I used the free EAP (employee assistance program through my job), we get 10 free sessions. I loved my therapist from our very first meeting. I plan to get referred to a long therapist in the new year. I went regularly but had to cancel an appointment and haven’t went back. I scheduled an appointment today.

    Being able to talk to and work through my feelings with someone totally unrelated to me and my situation has been so freeing and such a blessing. We go through life unconsciously holding onto hurts. Prayer works but you also have to be aware of what is holding you back and find a way to work through it!

    • I used my EAP to and was so surprised at the services they offer. I got my first appt on Tuesday :-)

  24. First, I’m so not one of the black women that thinks therapy is for white girls, lol. I think EVERYONE should see a therapist at each stage in their lives…even kids. We should do mental checkups just like we do physicals. I think mental health especially gets overlooked in the black community. I used to see a therapist when I first moved to Atlanta but…life happened and I got too busy or too broke or too…(insert excuse).

    So…I’ve been complaining about needing a therapist for the past oh…well over a year. I got into a very serious relationship 2 years ago. The person I was dating was very much outside of my “type” and my parents did not approve AT ALL…but it was the best relationship of my life. I ended it in November of last year, and decided I needed therapy to deal with the break-up. We got back together in April and I said I needed a therapist to help me deal with disappointing my parents. We recently split for good and…well, you get the drift. I need a therapist.

    But I also have been wanting to see one about dealing with my longstanding issues with death. I mean, its horrible to have such a crippling fear of something I can’t get out of, LOL. So, thanks for posting this one today. I just told my sister this week again I need therapy. Let’s make it happen! Good luck to each of you as well.

    • Hi Breelicious. I agree with your comments about kids needing therapy. I lost my mom 7 years ago. My son was 8 and still today, he gets sad when we talk about our times with her. He also has sickle cell and not able to play alot of sports like he used to. I just want to introduce him to therapy so he won’t get caught up in depression about not being able to do some of the things that his peers are doing. I was thinking about taking him to my therapist. And finally, I also used to be really scared of death and that ONE fear, can really be crippling. I really had to just get over it because I know it’s going to happen and plus, like they say, the things that you think about the most (good or bad) actually presents itself in your life. So, get those thoughts out of your head so you can live your best life!

  25. It may take me the rest of this challenge to complete this one. I need to get my health insurance in order first. I’ll keep your guys posted. I agree is you are a student, check out your counselor on campus. I did when I first went to college. It was the first I been far away from my family. Also I need some advice on career paths seeing that my academic adviser was of no help and not very supporting.

  26. Hello ladies,

    I took advantage of free therapy sessions my last year in college. I was in therapy for six months and it was the best thing for me. I loved my therapist and was very helpful and friendly. I was dealing with a lot of pain from my childhood that I didn’t realize I was still holding onto. I also didn’t realize that the way I am today is because of things from my childhood. I was very sad when I graduated because it meant no more therapy sessions. I will definitely be looking for another one because I need closure and healing.

  27. Really quick: I went through a period of anxiety and panic and couldn’t figure out why. I was always afraid of everything; that my kids would die or that I would die and couldn’t care for my children. Bottom line is that I experience distrust in my family when my mother died and my step father was having an affair with my aunt, who then moved into my mother’s home. I hated them both for almost 7 years. Not being able to forgive them caused me to question everyone and everything in my life. Then one day it clicked! In order to move on in my life, I need to forgive them and let go of those horrible feelings. I called them both and forgave them and called a therapist the VERY NEXT DAY! Things have been moving forward ever since. Therapy is the best thing that anyone could invest in! It definitely doesn’t mean you’re crazy. Like my pastor said, people who seek therapy ain’t crazy. You’re crazy if you’re paying insurance and DON’T seek therapy. Good luck everyone!

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