I remember the day I asked one of my college boyfriends why he loved me. I was being playful that afternoon. I was feeling romantic and flirtatious. But I was still not prepared for what he said.
I love you because when I’m around you, I feel like I can do anything.
To this day, I can still hear how he said it and see the way his face looked when the words came out of his mouth. He sounded surprised and grateful, the way you might say “thank you” when someone gives you an expected gift.
That, to me, was a huge testament not only to our romantic relationship, but to our deep friendship as well. We cared about each other’s hopes and dreams enough to show the other person that we were 100% in it together.
It was my first clear “aha” moment that healthy, long-term relationships are not driven by sex, but the emotional connection that you develop with the other person. Whenever I am intentional in how I approach my relationships, I am better able to co-create that ideal environment with my partner.
Yet contrary to common sense, our hyper-sexuality-driven society (through music, movies, magazines) drives images and messages into our brains that sex and being sex-y is the most important everything in a relationship. If you’ve got the ill na na (yeah, I used to idolize the rapper Foxy Brown as a teenager), you can hold on to your man, no problem.
Yes, problem.
This kind of thinking leads us to spend a lot of time comparing ourselves to the next woman. We look her up and down to see if her hair is longer, if her butt is bigger, if her outfit is more fly than ours. Working ourselves up to believe that if we can just outdress or outsex our “competition,” it will be easy to attract and keep a man.
Yet intellectually, we all know that you can’t compete on sex. It can’t be the carrot to make anyone fall in love with you or stay in relationship with you. Sex, in and of itself, cannot be the cookie. It can’t be the best dish you bring to the table.
After all, this is your brain on sex. (Sociologists say that the chemicals regulating lust in our brains inevitably wear off within four years of a romantic relationship, no matter how attracted you initially were to each other.) You have to have something else to offer to the other person on a long-term basis once the intense physical energy wears off.
What is the most valuable asset you bring to your romantic relationships? How do you make your partner feel?
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I think this is so honest, sex cannot be the carrot on the stick for relationships. In my marriage, we both have respect for one another, and for each of our abilities. We dont disrespect one another and we become that support beam when one of us needs to lean.
Sex is a womderful activity, and it can be had with anyone, but it’s better when you’re having it with someone who just gets you and is attracted to all of you; not just what you can do.
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When it comes to my husband and I we have always created an atmosphere where we both feel completely comfortable to be ourselves, we both trust one another and don’t give eachother a reason not to. We understand eachother very well and only want to make the other happy, so we make life easier for one another not harder. We have eachother’s back, we are completely open and honest. All of these things we had practice doing while we were just dating and without the complication of sex. We both intentionally chose to hold off on that until marriage before we even met and continued to keep that promise while we dated. I met someone with the same values I have and it just worked out really well. Somehow I knew that sex wasn’t the key growing up. It couldn’t have been. After many failed dates, I finally learned what it was that I wanted and I knew that there was someone out there willing to wait for me. A lot of this had to do with faith- I prayed a lot before he came along! For us to get this far in our relationship and still be going strong, that is proof that sex doesn’t necessarily keep two people together.
This is a great question, and honestly I’m not sure I know the answer. I’m driven, understanding, creative & responsible (for the most part), but don’t have the Martha Stewart-Betty Crocker skills that seem to be desired by many. I guess what I bring is being hella supportive when a man has a plan. Is that a real asset or just a need for my man to be more like me? I feel my inner control-freak grinning. When dating, it’s hard to put her on pause when you’re a single parent who really does run thangs all the time. May be overstating here…
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I suppose the answer to this question depends largely on our own perception of what we bring to the table, but I’ve found it helpful to think back to what my exes themselves said about what they appreciated about me.
I’m not a single mom, but I do have a bit of that control freak thing going on! I’ve always been that supportive girlfriend, especially when I think my man is up for a new, higher paying job LOL. But what I’m committed to practicing now is tapping into my feminine energy (we are in masculine energy when we try to dominate or control) when I’m dating someone and letting go of the outcome. I have to remind myself that I don’t have to “run” everything or everyone in my life. Other people are capable of making the decisions that are best for them.
It feels much less stressful that way. Lighter.
Actually, I was raised in a community where the women were much more likely to brag about how well they can cook and clean for their husbands. The underlying assumption being that they were more worthy then the ‘hottest looking chicks who – we assumed – were throwing it down in the bedroom.’
But I never agreed with either view – that one should be the best cook or the best sexual acrobat – to sustain a relationship.
Shared interest and mutual respect always seems like it creates the more fulfilling relationships.
I love this: “shared interest and mutual respect always seems like it creates the more fulfilling relationships.” I heard a lot of the cooking/cleaning stuff too as I was growing up. I actually think that may have been the reason why my grama taught me how to fry chicken when I was 10!
Once again, so on point! I think my beaux and I both make each other want to constantly do better and live our best lives
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And by beaux, I mean ‘beau’ :-/
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Thank goodness and there but for the grace go I, this has never been a challenge for me. I’m very clear when it comes to this topic, even when I wonder if I should go along with society’s ideals re: sex. But I know that many women DO think that sex is the cookie, and it usually ends up disastrous. It’s unfortunate. We must do better.
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It can be easier to go along with the majority thinking/behaviors about sex as it does not require us to examine that we *really* bring to a relationship. It takes strength + courage to evaluate ourselves in a real way.
Absolutely. The cookie is dessert, not the main course.
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Outstanding!! Insightful!!
Hawaii definately agrees with you
Once again, I couldn’t agree with you more. Sex should not be the cookie and it definitely can’t keep a man. Although I’m not looking for a relationship, I would say my ability to fall so deep that I “see” no one else is my asset, especially in such an unfaithful society.
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