Show Up as Your Best Self on Day 1

Yesterday, we talked about reframing how we view relationships. Perhaps you will experiment to see if it works for you to look at them as experiences, not absolutes. One reason I am exploring this concept in my own relationships is because for a long time, I believed that the only way to protect myself from heartbreak was to save the best for last. In the past, I often made the deliberate decision to save my best self – my most loving, honest, kind, generous self – for later. “Later” meaning until the man makes a public commitment to the relationship by calling me his girlfriend or asking me to be his wife.

Why did I do this?

I think it’s because I was brought up to save my best self for my husband. In exchange for the security he would provide as the primary breadwinner/car note payer/jewelry buyer, I would cook his favorite meals, keep the house clean, plus give him my body, affection and undying devotion. I was taught not to give up too much, too soon. Not until he paid for my romance with his finance, that is. Not until he bought the milk AND the cow!

What I was NOT taught was how would I even get a man to be interested in marriage if I was such a manipulative woman in the early stages? What kind of relationship would that produce in the long run? What was the real value in withholding all my good parts until I received a formal commitment from my partner?

Over time, I realized that all the rules I was taught as a mere teenage girl were rooted in my grandmother/mother/aunt’s own experiences. They could only teach me what they “knew” themselves. Yet many of the perceived mistakes they had made in their own relationships were not necessarily because they were too nice or gave too much of themselves too soon, but because they did not choose good partners to begin with.

I was only able to see that when I began to explore the truth of my relationships for myself, not through the lens of other women – no matter how well-meaning their advice was.

What has felt true for me is that we all desire meaningful relationships, no matter how much we tell ourselves we don’t need anyone. We all want to give and receive love, but we fear the other person’s rejection of us. We fear that their enthusiasm will not be as intense as ours, so we hold back just enough to feel safe.

We don’t give away the milk because he might not buy the cow, but out of fear that he doesn’t really want the cow in the first place. 

We’re hopeful, but we don’t want to get our hopes up.

We’re too smart for that. We’re too old in the game to be played.

But the thing is, no one ever gets “played,” because life is not a game. If we break down what we really mean by that, we might instead admit that sometimes people lie. Sometimes other people don’t have the same intentions as we do. Sometimes we get hurt. Surprise! That is the reality of being human and being in relationship with other humans.

Ultimately, there is no way to avoid getting hurt.

Either you hurt because a relationship ends or you hurt because a relationship never starts. As social creatures, we were not meant to be alone, which is why loneliness can hurt so much. (In fact, loneliness is one of the leading causes of suicide.)

If, like me, you were taught to:

Make people earn your trust . . .

Make people work for your kindness . . .

Use your affections to manipulate your potential partner . . .

Use your body as a reward for your partner’s good behavior . . .

Maybe it’s time to stop.

Maybe it’s time to start showing up as your best self on Day 1. It’s the one thing you can do on purpose to increase the likelihood that there will actually be a Day 2.

What would it look like for you to show up as your best self in your romantic relationships?

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