The new year is for new things. I know, I know. Many of us already made a slew of new year’s resolutions (or personal commitments, as I like to call them) of all the things we want to start doing in 2011. But here, I’d like to offer some ideas of what you might want to stop doing as well.
1. Addressing haters
First, let’s get one thing straight about “haters.” You don’t really have any. What you have are people who don’t like you and people who don’t support your dream. So, let’s just start naming it for what it really is. But regardless of whether haters really exist, there is never any real value in you acknowledging them. Ever. In music, I guess it’s cool to talk about how many people are jealous of the fact that you sold a million records…but you are not a rapper. You are not Nicki Minaj and you do not have haters. And for every one person who doesn’t like you or the things you say or the work you do, there are a dozen other people who adore you and absolutely want to see you succeed in life. Focus on those people. Let them love you. And redirect the time you waste addressing haters to loving them back.
2. Engaging in online “beef”
See #1. Do you really think it’s a good look to waste your time online with people you don’t like and who don’t like you? What value does it add to your life? And aren’t there a million more productive things you could be doing instead?
3. Calling other women “females”
First, read this. It’s a peculiar pattern I’ve seen over the past few years, where women deny the value of other women by referring to them as “females.” It’s not something you say to be nice, darling. Calling someone a “female” has a negative connotation and is typically used in the context of explaining why you don’t trust women, hang out with women or have many close friends who are women. But really, Crunk Feminist Collective says it best:
Every time we use the word “female” in a derogatory manner, we strip women of their humanity. Cats can be female. Dogs can be female. Women are people. And no woman, be she cis or transgendered, should be reduced to her biology or discredited because of it. And as female dogs go, surely we don’t need anyone else to refer to us as bitches. For those of you who think your use of the term is innocuous, consciously check to see if you are ever saying anything positive about women when you refer to them as “females.” (E.g. “I don’t associate with females.” Substituting women in this statement doesn’t really make sense; although substituting the term “bitches” makes the most sense of all. So what are you really saying when you call women “females”?)
And can we also just be honest? If you can’t trust “females” as a group, can we trust you? The notion that every woman including you is not implicated in her own sweeping denouncements of other women is just as faulty as the woman who tells herself that her favorite rap star, “ain’t talking about me,” when he refers to all women indiscriminately as bitches and hoes. Trust is like respect. To get it, you gotta give it.
4. Calling other women “bitches”
See #3.
5. Lying to yourself
Many of us can get so discouraged at how certain areas of our lives are playing out, that we try to convince ourselves that we really don’t care. For example, we long for a romantic partner, but since we never seem to have any luck in relationships, we declare that we’ve “given up on love.” We try to convince ourselves that we don’t even believe that it exists anymore. That we don’t need it in our lives. Believe me, I’ve done this myself. My breakup with the rocket scientist was so painful, that for a little while I considered not ever opening up my heart that way to anyone ever again. But then I realized that was bullshit. I was lying to myself big time because one of the things I truly do want in life is the companionship of a romantic partner. Admitting that did not make me vulnerable, it just made me open to the next thing. And there is always a next thing. But be careful of how lying to yourself could be cutting you off from new opportunities to experience happiness in your life.
6. Blocking your blessings (aka procrastination)
This could also be referred to as “sabotaging your success.” Let me give you another example. You say one of your lifelong goals is to run your own business and quit that dead end job. Yet, every night, instead of working on your dream, you sit in front of the TV to watch Real Housewives of Atlanta or waste time on Twitter. The result: you end up lying to yourself (see #5) by saying that you don’t have the “extra time” and never make any progress on your business ideas. Then, when opportunities do come up, you don’t feel ready or prepared to take advantage of them. It becomes a vicious cycle and you never get anything accomplished. There is a spiritual saying, “pray until something happens” but I would modify that a bit for 2011, ladies. Yes, by all means, pray. But then, DO SOMETHING. Do something until something happens. You have to take action FIRST. Then, the universe will respond and your blessings will begin to manifest themselves.
So that’s my list. What do you think? And what are YOUR goals for what you want to stop doing in 2011?
If you’re ready to make some real changes in your thinking in 2011, sign up for my FREE virtual life coaching program, 31 Days to Reset Your Life. It’s truly been a transformative experience for the 1,000+ women who have participated so far.
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Thank you for republishing this – I needed to be reminded of #s 1, 5 and 6 especially. Re: #1 I’m not readily mindful of the people who are (genuinely) supportive. That is where my focus will be in 2012. Thank you – that is such a gem.
I think I heard the hallelujah chorus b/c I literally cringe everytime someone uses the word “female” many people don’t even hear/ notice the negative connotation that surrounds that word, but its one that really throughly annoys me. Though I’m very late, thanks for this list, great thoughts.
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Great list! I always say that when people rant about their “haters,” it’s an outward manifestation of an internal issue. Who among us has a life perfect enough to be hated on? If people don’t like you or what you do, oh well. I have to admit that I have referred to women as ‘females’ before, as well as ‘chicks.’ That’s really just how I speak, no disrespect intended. I’ve never said “Eff a female!” or anything like that. Your #3 has given me food for thought though.
Read my latest blog post…social boundaries- undrawing the line
mostly truth here, i also take issue with women/girls/ladies who try to belittle another woman’s effort/success of trying to eat,live, be a healthy,
Happy to come across your blog via Inconsequential Logic.
I like the idea of things to stop doing! This is a valuable list. I want to stop spending so much time on my computer (I appreciate the irony of posting this on a blog)! I’m nocturnal and rarely asleep before 2am and last year I would spend until those early hours and beyond doing work and networking. I’m going to stop doing that this year and even if i’m not asleep I aim to get off the computer earlier and read or write or just rest.
This was just awesome Rosetta, awesome! !!
a list worthy of printing and pasting to the fridge, the bulletin board, your car’s dashboard and the sleeve of your favorite blouse! thanks for this
THANK YOU so much for posting this. I will definitely be sharing this with close friends and family. I think of the list, I have been some what of a procastinator. Although, I am working hard to achieve goals, I believe that I can work harder. Moving on….that word “hater”! It’s something about that word that is starting to get on my ever lasting nerve. Why do we always think others are hating on us? I believe accusing someone of “hating” is another way to cover up insecurities. I have a friend on facebook (an old classmate) and I promise he posts something about someone hating on him at least once a day. I don’t know what his physical possessions are or what others might be jealous of, but yesterday I finally asked him why he thinks someone would pray for his downfall? He provided me the lamest excuse, which proved what I thought all along….”no one is thinking about you”! Okay, my rant is over. But yeah, I’m over the word “hate”. I don’t have haters, because I don’t create nor invtie that type of environment in my space.
Thanks for this Tissa: “I don’t have haters, because I don’t create nor invite that type of environment in my space.” This is true for me, too. When people complain about having a lot of “haters” in their lives, I often ask them why they think that’s the case and I get a similar answer. Hard to get people to see that most of their drama is self-inflicted…
I never, EVER call other women the b-word. It is a terrible word and should never be addressed in any race. Thanks for posting this.
Also…thanks for posting the fact that we don’t have ‘haters’. So very, VERY true. I wish the word could be eradicated from our lexicons.
I agree. It’s a horrible word
Yet so many use it so freely…don’t even know how we got to the point where women actually embrace it amongst each other.
Hello. I’m new to this site and I’m glad I found it I love it so far!
I love your list and can relate to it so much.
“Addressing haters”….I often say we get in our own way more than the haters do. Really I mean most people confuse “haters” with people who are just being honest with them LOL I never really had an experience of a hater because I don’t pay attention to negativity.
“Lying to Yourself”…this is a real reality check for me because I have also been lying to myself particular when it comes to love. Lately I have been running into man after man that has been wasting my time and as a result I have convinced myself that I don’t want love but I’m lying LOL
I think it’s a balance act…yes I want companionship and it is ok to admit that to myself as well as others BUT it’s not ok for me to dwell on it or become desperate. I had to learn that I can’t go with either extreme…denying my desires as well as being desperate to make it happen. I mean after all being single doesn’t mean your lonely so this year I have learned to just be and accept the place I’m at until I can find that companionship I desire.
“Blocking Your Blessing”…I can’t tell how many times in 2010 I wasted by watching TV, being on Facebook or Twitter, or using an excuse of “being to tired” to make my ideas come to life. Like you mention praying is wonderful but God is sitting looking you waiting for you to take action on what you are praying on. LOL
Great article and great site! oh and by the way I love your hair! I myself have been natural since April 2007 and don’t plan on going back I love natural hair!
Thanks for reading, Gina – love meeting other natural ladies. Had a chance to check out your blog and you are one INSPIRING sister! Appreciate you sharing your thoughts here & with the world. 2011 is OUR year
kassa ..Why is that every thing addressed me… Geez… hmm… Now they will haunt me ..
Yes! Very nice list. I’m really motivated to just stop “thinking” about the things that I want to do, and just “do” them already.
Yes! 2011 is the year of “doing”
I have been sending myself a “stop doing list” through gmail calender reminders for a few months. But I need to update it for 2011. I like the one about lying to yourself. That’s a sure way to not get what you want!
What a great idea! I do think we need constant reminders of some of this stuff.
good list!
Yes. Had to read #6. Much obliged.