For the past few years, black women have been told that there aren’t enough “good black men” to go around, that no one wants to marry us, and that we need to date outside of our race if we ever want to have a chance in hell of getting married.
There are a lot of problems, of course, with the fact that we are being bombarded with so much negative media and “journalism” from TV and black male authors who think they know what a lady should act like. But the biggest problem, really, is that we keep internalizing it.
The problem is that we’re letting these bogus statistics and “news reports” determine how we approach our love lives.
Many of us have allowed all the propaganda to convince us that there are “slim pickings” out there for black women, when the reality is that black men and women are just not getting married at the same rate that they used to. The same goes for the white community as well. Times have changed for everyone in terms of dating and marriage. Young white women are now out-degreeing AND out-earning their male peers as well, making the choice of choosing a husband a bit more complex than it used to be in the old days (when many women married for security). So, no matter how much the media would like us to believe otherwise, there is nothing wrong with black women in particular. Nothing.
Intuitively, I think we know this. We know that black women are being unfairly singled out for negative commentary. But we do ourselves a terrible disservice when we ignore our truth and fall into the trap of thinking that there are “no good black men left.”
We end up in this mindset of scarcity and fear and competition with other sisters.
If, instead, we began to embrace the fact (yes, fact) that there’s an abundance of men out there who want to love us just like we want to love them, we may actually start to attract them into our lives. If this type of mindset shift is difficult for you, I suggest some mental exercises below.
- Stop reading articles, purchasing books and watching TV shows that portray black women as “unmarriageable,” “angry” or “lonely.” You know what they say: garbage in, garbage out. There is often a subconscious effect on our mindset when we put that kind of content into our brains, which is how we end up internalizing the crap that has a negative effect on our self-esteem.
- When someone asks, yet again, why 42% of black women are not married, point out that black men aren’t getting married either. There is nothing inherently wrong with us (and no need to further insult us by comparing us to white women). Black people, just like other Americans, are just not getting married like they used to – or getting married later in life.
- Avoid “misery loves company” or “woe is me” conversations with women who’ve had lots of bad experiences with men. Just because THEY made the mistake of accepting (not attracting, because attracting and accepting are two different things) the wrong type of man into their life (abusive, uneducated, ex-con, broke, liar, gay, etc.) does not mean that ALL black men fall into those categories. Another woman’s past can unnecessarily cloud your perspective on whether there are any “good men” left. Because of course there are. We just need to keep our hearts (and minds) open enough to find them.
How do these mindset shifts resonate with you? Do you believe that there are really”slim pickings” for black women or is it all media hype?
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Well, I question the entire premise that there’s something “wrong” with being single or somehow you’re only a “success” if you are married. Utter nonsense. God knows what is best for us, and we need to wait on the Lord and not be out there in the dating scene getting our feelings hurt and getting played. Those who are married need to stay married…and HUMBLE! The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. We all need to quit judging others based on marital status. At the end of the day, we all face our Maker alone.
AMEN! Exactly how I feel about the dating situation. I have never bought into the “there are not enough good black men out there” mindset and constantly challenge it. Interestingly enough, I have never suffered from feeling that there is a lack of good black men out there. There have always been more than enough for me. I only need one!
Which came first, the belief or the experience?
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I am amused by tip number three. I can relate to this type of group conversation and I realized how it affected the way I perceive myself and black men. I liked the company and the conversations are just entertaining. But I’ll try to follow your tip Rosetta, I think it is for my own good. Do you have some advices to help me get back my confidence?
I agree with your discouraging black women (or women in general) from reading articles, purchasing books and watching TV shows that portray black women as “unmarriageable,” “angry” or “lonely.” Would you agree, Rosetta, that some of the false assumptions about black women are self-inflicted? The media should take better responsibility in portraying black women in a more positive manner and allow them to succeed or fail on their own individual merits. A black woman deserves the same amount of love and attention as any woman of any color or race. Hats off to Dolce for being the voice of men who know the true definition of a good man.
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I believe that the “good men are hard to find” philosophy is definitely enhanced by the views of society. A good man is someone that will take care of you, support you through good and bad times, loves you for you and will not try and make you into something that you are not. This man is caring, loving, respectful and intelligent. Looks should only be an added bonus. I say this because I know I am a good man. I don’t believe in marriage but I take my relationships very seriously. Here is a note of thought…a good man is also only as good as the woman he is with(food for thought).
Good article.
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love the positive post
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You are SOOO right on the money! When the media has nothing else to get us hyped about, they go right into the “stats” that make every single woman, let alone every Single Black woman, lose her sanity. They can make you panic. They can make you second guess your choices or your desires in a partner. They can make you want to settle for less.
I think item #3 on your list sums it up well. “Don’t entertain woe is me conversations.” The biggest lesson I’ve learned this year is to pay attention to who I spend my time with. If those people are screaming “There are no good men.” or “All the brothas want white girls!” I will end up with that attitude. Once I checked that, I found someone so easy it almost made my head spin.
Keep the faith. There are lotsa good men out there. Sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees…:)
-Shay
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There is no scarcity of “good black men”. In my observation there are many of us who have the limited attitude that there are only two extreme choices of black men: A dude with a PH.d. and a fancy car (good) or a lying/cheating-ghetto-missing-front-tooth-drinkin-a-forty-on-the-corner-ain’t-got-no-job kind of guy with a fancy car (not good). They forgot about all of the huge space in between those two examples.
I’ve been happily married for 15 years and when I first got together with my now husband there were a few women who couldn’t understand why I’d be with this blue-collar man without a college degree (he’s a cop and I now have a law degree but didn’t back then). He’s honest, fun, hardworking, handsome, and can easily hold an intelligent conversation with any of my higher-degree holding friends. The key for us was to have similar values. Values of what kind of family we would eventually have and material values, such as priorities regarding home, vehicle, “things”. Another thing to consider is potential. While he may not already be into all the things you are but what is the likelihood that the two of you will explore some of his interests, some of your interests, and some NEW interests together during a lifetime? For example, he was rather limited in his foodie experience when we met. Our first date was to a West African restaurant that I love. He loved it too and now we plan foodie adventures abroad together. Who knew?!
All this is to say open your eyes ladies! There’s a whole world out there. I promise you won’t have to pull a thug out of the ghetto if you just try to match your values instead of material worth and potential for you two to enjoy one another for years to come.
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Thanks for sharing your story here and great advice, Lisa! Love to hear that you and your man are 15 years strong
And I love the concept of choosing a partner who you can grow with – not needing a man to “have it all together” is something I’ve come to in my own journey and I meet lots more interesting men now. I also realized that I don’t want my man to be a carbon copy version of me – it’s much more fun to learn from their differences and interests throughout the relationship.
Lisa,
This a great point that i think goes unstated. Potential and personality are extrememly important for determining whether or not to continue in a relationship. One thing I can say is that many people would consider it more acceptable to go through the motions with a guy with money or a college degree than the blue collared guy or the one that is financially struggling but willing to learn from you. I realized young that the concept of marriage is forever and therefore no matter the status of your mate when you begin with them, there will be a variety of experiences that can affect the outcome. I think it is hard for people to visalize the ebbs and flows of marriage i.e. illness, drug abuse, infidelity, depression, incaceration, etc. These things can happen while married and it is so many couples that actually make it through those times together.
In all honestly, many poeople may not be ready for marriage while they are busy rushing to it.
Amen to #3
I think it was on your blog that I read that you cannot be mad at your exes for being who they are. That statement completely changed my mindset about dating (in the past and for the future). I don’t do the man-bashing conversations anymore – I try to make sure to throw some positivity out there when someone tries to engage me in one of these convos.
Yes! Positivity breeds more positivity
Thanks for stopping by!
Very interesting. I like the Positive Mental Attitude part of your blog today! Well needed after a weekend of cheering up a couple of my sisters who are going through a rough time with their men. Here in the UK it really feels as though there are slim pickings – for the usual reasons. As late twenties and early thirties we are really struggling to meet the right kind of man. But, after a session of moaning and groaning we always end positive, somehow! It gets a bit tiring always having to be the strong black ‘single’ woman that always bounces back.. because that’s what we do! Any advice?
PS: the negative press is just annoying and does not help at all!
I think the first thing we need to do is REJECT the idea that we HAVE to be the strong black woman. We have the right to feel whatever we want to feel just like everybody else. Our burdens are just as important.
It is quite disheartening that there has been such negative commentary on all of us recently. We have too many babies, we’re all on welfare, we’re having abortions, we’re hookers, black men don’t want us and now neither do white men.
The moment we limit ourselves to a particular group then we have limited the pickings for ourselves. In my opinion black men are waiting for direction – men are always waiting for direction when it comes to women in this new age. When we stand tall and proud and walk with dignity and honor, then things will appear different. We will see things in a new light.
We may also have to just think differently about marriage.
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I hear you on the limitations, but for many black women, dating black men is their preference and it’s really tough to change preferences when you know what you like and who you want. So I don’t think expanding the “group” is the answer and honestly I could never tell anyone to abandon their preferences. What I was getting at here is that IF black women seek a black man as a partner, that we CAN find them out there. We only limit ourselves when we miss that fact. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts here!
Rosetta, It is totally fine that black women have their preferences, but I find it rather distasteful that when they say they are open for interracial dating, what they often truly mean are to “date white” outside of black community.
Oh well, guess no love for Asian or Hispanics.
Interesting point – I do find that most of the time interracial dating is seen as black/white. I wonder if it’s because it’s more likely that black women have been in the same social circles as whites but not so much Asians or Hispanics? But you’re right, when we “expand the group” as the previous commenter mentioned, there are so many other types of men – besides white – to consider.
It’s a bunch of hype, in my opinion. It scares me how many people (and I used to be one of them) who view the media as gospel. Listening to all the “they says” and making decisions and judgments based on those things is no way to live. I’m not saying that I don’t get caught up sometimes too! But we have to keep checking ourselves to see where our perceptions and beliefs are coming from…tune out all the noise and believe in your own instincts. Perception is reality, ya know?!
Totally with you on the hype, GG. Although I never believed the media (too many critical thinking classes in college made me question EVERYTHING lol), it can be tough to distance yourself from what “everyone” is saying in our community. The thing about perception, though – as I think about your comment – is that sometimes the media is just an excuse for us to give in to any negative thoughts we already have about ourselves. Many times, if we’re not careful, outside forces can do a lot of damage by reinforcing our insecurities.
Always love it when you comment here, lady!