I used to have a friend in high school who would get mad at every little thing. Look at her wrong and she’s ready to break her foot off in somebody’s ass. She was known as the girl nobody wanted to mess with, but over time, she also became the woman I didn’t want to be friends with, either. Over the years, I’ve met (and quickly distanced myself from) other sisters with the same mentality – always looking for reasons to “go off” on someone when a situation doesn’t go as it should.
I have always considered these to be “tough” women. Women you see walking down the street with a look on their faces that pretty much triple dog dares you to smile at them. They wish you would.
So I do. I give them my biggest, most authentic smile full of love and affirmation. And sometimes, I even get them to smile back.
I smile because I know where the mean mug comes from. When I was growing up, my grandmother taught me that being tough is good. She said to be nice, but not too nice or let your guard down too much. That way, nobody can walk all over you or “get over” on you. But as I’ve gotten older and more mature, I’ve found that her advice often comes from a place of fear because of her own life experiences. Although it’s easy to present a tough facade to the world, it would actually be more useful for us to learn how to be brave. There is, in fact, an important and significant difference.
Tough is being able to cuss any and everybody out at any given time if they piss you off or “disrespect you.” Tough thinks everyone is out to get her. Tough wants to fight when she gets hurt.
Brave is being able to recognize when you have an anger management problem or other unresolved personal issues. Brave wants to heal her past pain and finally be happy. Brave is not afraid to find a therapist to help her along in the journey.
I think at certain times in our lives, all of us have been one or the other.
Which one are you now? Which one do you want to be?
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I am a young man that was raised by a single mother. I’ve seen her have to be tough and brave in order to survive. I believe that women have to be tough in order to survive. You are natural protectors of family and self. The level to which the toughness is taken is what matters.
I think that one of the best things you did in this post was to mention the need for therapy as a brave option. When I saw my life sprialing in a way that I realized could eventually risk everything I worked hard to get, I sought therapy because I owed it to myself.
Although I am not usually a tough girl, living in a world of tough girls is enough to make a person like me need therapy!
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I feel like I am a combination of both.
Most days I work really hard at being brave, but other times…tough is what I should be.
Prior to finding a therapist to help me deal with a lot of hurt, pain and disappointment, I was a people pleaser, even to my own detriment.
20+ years later, and still in counseling, I’m finally able to use the word “no”, and truly mean it AND feel ok about it.
I still get extremely angry because sometimes I fall back into my old way of thinking, but for the most part, I am pleased with the assertive person that I am becoming.
Thank you for sharing this article.
I’m BRAVE but I’m also a reformed “tough”. This post really spoke to me because I know where I used to be. I used to walk around with so much anger and didn’t even know it. You’re right, Rosetta, it requires courage (bravery) to let it go and let down our guards. The good news though is that when we let down our guards, we open the door to great things and people. Thanks, for a great post!
I’ve been the later for most of my life, however there was a three year period when I adopted the “tough” stance. I’m not very proud of that period of my life but I was hurting and I did what I thought I needed to do in order to protect myself from any additional hurts.
I think that black culture as a whole advocates for the former. It definitely seems to be the “preferred” type of behavior and is encouraged and endorsed.
Honestly, there are days when I think I could use a healthy dose of anger management. I used being tough as a means of protection from teasing and bullying growing up. It worked then, but you’re right, maturity [should] teach us there are better ways of having a firm resolve yet flexible enough to realize there’s a time and place for everything. Great points!
Thanks for sharing your reflection here – I think a lot of ladies can probably relate to being tough to avoid getting their feelings hurt as a kid. But at some point, like you said, we do need to evolve from that.
Great post. I can definitely relate to having to disassociate myself from some “tough” chicks. Though I realize that the behavior is often a defense mechanism indicating fear, low self-esteem and other issues, there’s only so much toxicity and drama a person can take. I’ve never been the tough chick and I wouldn’t have considered myself especially brave either, but based on your definition, I am!
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I agree that the tough act is almost always a defense mechanism – and the sad part is that most don’t even realize that it’s a telltale sign that something is wrong on the inside.