someone who is not me parasailing in Perissa (Santorini, Greece)
Right now, I’m in Santorini, Greece. I’m writing this post at a cafe in the town of Perissa, famous for its black sand beaches. I woke up this morning thinking: how is this my life?
This time three years ago, I was working downtown in Washington, DC – enjoying my nonprofit job but itching for something new, searching for my Next Step. A few months later, I made the decision to leave my organization to work for myself. And my life has been a whirlwind ever since.
Almost a year ago, I chose to get rid of my expensive studio apartment in DC and experience living in different places without a lease, mostly through sublets. That decision freed up a lot of money to save for long-term travel, including a three 1/2 week trip to Honolulu, Hawaii and my current month-long trip in Europe.
Throughout this journey, I’ve also gotten rid of most of my personal belongings. It’s been so freeing to let go of my things that I now embrace the concept of living with less. Without having to worry about the acquisition, storage and maintenance of material possessions, I have found that I can have more experiences instead. I have lost a lot of my former desire to accumulate all the “stuff” I used to lust after – clothes, shoes, furniture. I buy only the things I need and keep only the things I really love. In this way, I have released attachment to much of what kept me from being able to just get up and go whenever I want.
The downside to this process (if there is one) is that when you release attachment to everything, the only thing left to focus on is yourself.
And for most people, that is the scariest.shit.ever. It’s been terrifying for me. I’ve been writing through the fear here on the blog, hoping to share what I’ve learned along the way and encourage other women to live life on their own terms. But I’d be shortchanging the journey if I didn’t also talk about how scary it can be to pursue your ideal life.
When you turn off the TV, close the magazine, unplug from the drama, shut out the negativity, stop the mindless shopping, get rid of all the stuff you don’t need and quit letting other people control your life, there’s literally NOTHING left to distract you.
So…now what? You look at yourself in the mirror and start asking questions.
- Who am I?
- Who have I been pretending to be this whole time?
- Who do I want to be now?
The answers, when they hit you, can be overwhelming. Self-discovery can be an elevator dropping right on top of your head. It can make you want to run to the edge of the cliff and jump back into your old life.
Except that now, you can’t go back. There’s NO WAY you can go back. You’d have to unlearn everything you now know about yourself, about the world.
No.
At this point, your task is to fall deeply in love with your new self, to embrace this wide-eyed woman in all her naked glory. To softly sweep up the dust she kicked up when she burst through the door, dazed and confused.
Then figure out what to do with her.
When you begin to discover who you really are after so many years of procrastinating on your desires, of burying your dreams in the sand, it’s as if a veil gets lifted. You become a baby learning how to walk. You realize that YOU HAVE LEGS and they can take you ANYWHERE YOU WANT TO GO.
But a big part of you doesn’t want to learn. You don’t want to be a baby, after all this time you spent learning how to be an adult. So, you decide to stand up in defiance. It’s time to shake it off, this feeling of imbalance. You take two steps forward and fall. You stand back up, taking three steps now. But you just fall down again. And again.
You start crying because the falling feels so lonely. When you fall, you’re down there on the ground by yourself, looking up at the people who seem like they already know how to walk. Falling feels like failure, so you want to stand. You would give anything to stand. To be able to walk like everyone else.
But you can’t walk when you’re in the process of finding yourself.
Now is the time to crawl and fall. After a while, the universe will send you angels who will help you learn to walk. They will show up in the form of strangers or friends or lovers who are meant to teach you how to see yourself in a new light. This is so that you can finally accept the uncomfortable truth that there is actually nothing to “find.”
You are already the person you’ve been looking for.
happyblackwoman
happyblackwoman
happyblackwoman
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This really speaks to where I am right now. In some areas of my life, I’m already walking again. But in others, I’m still learning to crawl, and all this month I’ve been having to remind myself that it’s just NOT MY TIME for some of those areas yet. Great things are in the works, but it’s not my time. Thanks for the reminder that I’m not alone.
Thank you for reading and sharing, Autumn. I love what you said about timing. It makes me think about the concept of embracing your own timeline, not society’s or anyone else’s. In this way, we honor our own journey instead of pressuring ourselves to “catch up” with where we think we “should be.” Great comment!
This was beautiful and can be summed up into one word…TRUTH!
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Rosetta…Thank you for another thought provoking post.
Finding myself has been very challenging… I am often misunderstood for being someone I am not , because I am becoming the person I was meant to be. There was a struggle between my old self and my new self, because my old self wanted to keep everyone happy. My old self wanted to keep people around that were always making withdrawls from me, but never depositing anything. My old self, tolerated a lot more foolishness from my so called friends and family. My old self would have an issue with something and wouldn’t address it. All while, my new self was fighting to get out! My new self was afraid to be who she really was becoming, because she was afraid of her family and friends rejecting her. My new self realized she is responsible for her own happiness and growth. Once my new self realized this key factor she has been growing into her own every since. Yes, my new self has recieved some rejection from family and friends, but that is fine I don’t need people like them hindering my growth anyway. I want to be all that I know I can be!
Bye Bye FEAR!
Love. This. Post. THAT IS ALL!
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I am loving today’s post! This was speaking directly to me. I’ve been trying to answer those questions for quite some time…. Who am I? Who have I been pretending to be this whole time? Who do I want to be now? Oh, but on this year I decided to seriously take thought in answering these questions. And, yes, it’s been a little overwhelming ever since. I’m finally getting an opportunity to rediscover my talents, dreams, and abilities that I have kept on the back burner all these many years. Now, declaring to myself, I am on a wonderful journey of reinventing me. Thanks for sharing!
It is indeed a wonderful journey, if a bit overwhelming at times. Being honest with yourself can lead to so many opportunities, the discomfort is definitely worth it!
Powerful stuff Rosetta. “You are already the person you’ve been looking for.” Sound like reinforcement to what you’ve been saying all along that we are enough, just as we are. And you’re right. Funny how once we embrace the inner child do we begin to truly live. You’re so on point, we get so wrapped up in chasing someone else’s concept of success and adulthood (have the nerve to shun others who don’t do it too)and we in turn forget who we really are and what we truly stand for (enter life crisis). It’s amazing to discover that we already equipped with all the keys to the doors we need opened yet go through life trying to recover them back only to find that when you stop looking you realize they were always there.
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Very moving and powerful submission. Thanks.
This post is speaking to where I am in my life. For the first time, I have been able to be 100% honest with myself because I no longer had the option to hide behind things, people, and obligations. It does cause a roller coaster of emotions and I am not at the point where I need to figure out “What do I do with myself?” I am sure that is a journey in itself and I look forward to figuring out what my next steps will be.