Out of all the women I know, most of them express frustration with their romantic relationships. Even though most of the women I interact with are black, it would be silly to chalk it up as a “black woman problem” though, because as I’ve said before, I don’t believe that black women have it any “worse” in the relationship department than any other race of women do. People are people. We are ALL flawed in some way. It’s really all about what perspective you take. The problem, if anything, lies with the nature of most of our conversations in that they focus on what’s wrong with men in general or what was wrong with our previous partners.
It was all his fault! He was crazy! Deranged! He never wanted to go out! All he wanted was sex! He lied to me! He was broke! He played too many video games! He . . .
But what we often miss in these conversations is that the other person is just 1/2 of the equation. Like Rob Base said so wisely, it takes two to make a thing go right.
The other person will do what they want to do. But you get to do what you want to do.
When you look at it that way, relationships are just experiences.
You get to choose how you want that experience to be. You get to choose what you want that experience to look like. You help set the tone for any relationship and give the other person the opportunity to respond in kind (or not). If you want more romance, be more romantic. If you want more honesty, be honest yourself. We often complain about how men lie, but can we really sit here and say that women are always 100% truthful in our relationships? Really? Even a “little white lie” is a lie. We are all human. And it’s not fair to expect from others something that you cannot offer yourself. (It also sets the stage for a lot of unfounded resentment down the line.)
What I’m learning about myself and my own relationships is that it is more useful to think of them as flexible experiences rather than absolutes that I must control or they won’t “work out.” Here is what I recently wrote on my updated life map for the relationship area:
I wish to attract positive, open-minded men who will enrich my life, not take away from it. I want my experiences to be meaningful, romantic, light and fun. I am willing to create the internal and external environment to support my ideal relationship.
Instead of expecting everything to “fall in place” right away, I want to learn from the other person and explore what we have in common and where we can grow together. I do not want to be with someone I want to change. If I feel the urge to change him, it is a clear indication that I believe he is not “good enough” for me, which is an unhealthy way to start off a relationship. I wish to see my partner as an equal, not as “less than” me.
By thinking about relationships as experiences - not absolutes – I think we can be more intentional about how we approach them. We get to design the kind of relationships we want by bringing what we want to the table in the first place. Instead of skepticism and mistrust, we have the choice to bring optimism and understanding that the other person is not perfect and neither are we. In this way, we recognize that we are all evolving. We make room for each person to grow.
What kind of relationship experience do you want to have? What part can you play in cultivating that experience instead of waiting for the other person to create it for you?
happyblackwoman
happyblackwoman
happyblackwoman
happyblackwoman
This post made me think about those older couples who have been together for 60 years and more….. Clearly sex was not the driving factor for them staying together. While sex is very integral in a relationship, I also KNOW there are other variables that will inevitably be the glue that binds and hold the relationship together. Unfortunately sex won’t do that! I like relationships as experiences, and while they all won’t be good, they will be experiences that you will be able to treasure OR grow from. It’s best to go in to any relationship with the mindset of learning something about yourself and with each person that we encounter, it should be an opportunity to connect deeper with ourselves with the help of another…. if it evolves into something more GREAT, but if not, take the experience as it comes or goes….
Read my latest blog post…Refusing to buy into the Bullshit!
I’ve heard the phrase, “Be the change you want to attract”, but I think most of us subconsciously just do what’s easy and familiar. Now that I’m single, I love the idea of using other people to gain experience for developing my desires. I know my most recent relationship gave me a whole heap of wants to write down for my next relationship, whenever I’ll be ready for that. I also like the idea of not jumping into conclusions. I have a friend who makes every guy she meets marriage material, and I just don’t believe in jumping in that fast, at least not ALL the time. I’m a feet in the water first kind of girl and I even like to test my own feelings to see how real they are before I “jump in”.
Read my latest blog post…How to Find Real Treasure
This was hard to learn during my youth. Thank goodness for age coming with some wisdom.
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Yes, yes, yes! Really great post. The power of choice is real….we must first BE the change that we wish to see not only in the world but in our life, including our relationships. Thank you for this.
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Thanks for stopping by! You’re so right about the power of choice – a lot of times we forget that we are not helpless in relationships, we always gave choices we can make.
This is such an empowering and hope-inspiring article. Thank you for passing on your wisdom and perspective!
Hope on Hope
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