I’m at my mom’s house – half-visiting with her and half-returning emails on my computer – when she asks: when was the last time you went on a date? I look up from my laptop. I’m surprised that I don’t remember. The weeks are flying by. My consulting business is taking off. I just brought on my first subcontractor for a project and I’m in the process of hiring a part-time assistant. And on top of all that, a nonprofit book publisher just emailed me. She’s coming to town in June and wants to meet with me to talk about book ideas! So, going on a date is quite literally the last thing on my mind.
Nevertheless, Mom asks me what happened to the 23 year old.
I forgot to tell you. A few weeks ago, I went on a date with a 23 year old. He was cute. We had drinks and saw Shutter Island. It was fun. And a little bit weird. See, I’m 27. And my little sister is 22, though she still acts like she’s 18 and not about to graduate from college. Needless to say, I had my doubts about whether my 27 year old self could deal with someone who was not only younger than me, but who might also be less mature. On the flip side though, I’m also trying to be more open about who I date. Broadening my horizons. You tend to see things in a different light after you get dumped for something as superficial as changing your hairstyle. You’ll also note that this is my second date since the breakup two months ago. I’m proud of myself. I don’t think about the rocket scientist every day anymore. I have other fish to fry. Business to handle. Happy hours to attend. Young cuties to meet.
But I decided that I couldn’t see the 23 year old again. What happened with him was what often happens when I first meet someone. They call too much. They try too hard. They move too fast.
I call it the “total package syndrome.”
Most of the men in my life have called me “the total package,” which at first sounds incredibly flattering until you realize that that designation comes with certain expectations. How come a woman like you is still single? they would ask. As if there was this one overarching reason why I hadn’t gotten married yet. After a few dates and knowing very little about me, they form this compelling conclusion that I’m the one they’ve been waiting for: a slim-figured, happy-go-lucky, well-educated woman who loves to cook. With long straight hair. (That they consequently never, ever wanted me to cut. Take that, loverboys.) The problem with being thought of as “the total package” though is that men equate that title with all the qualities they’re looking for in a good wife. And after they checkmark all the boxes they think I fit in, they then operate under the assumption that those checkboxes are who I am. They don’t often see or realize that there’s a lot more to me than meets the eye (or the plate). And that being somebody’s wifey is the last thing on my list.
I remember being on the phone with this guy I was dating once. It was late and he must’ve been feeling particularly candid. He blurted out, “I worry that you’ll get bored with me after a while. That you’ll up and move to Canada or something and I’ll never see you again.” He was scared that I was going to leave him to pursue one of my many passions. He was right. I did leave him. Not because I dashed off to Canada, but because after a year, I knew I would never be the person he wanted me to be. His “total package” was a woman who rushed home from work to get dinner on the table and stayed home with him watching Good Times instead of traveling the world and going to happy hour with her friends.
So, the best thing about being single, for me, is being able to focus completely on myself and the person I really want to become. I’ve known this for a long time, but ever since I cut off my hair, it’s become a lot clearer to me. All my life, I’ve been headstrong, opinionated, womanish. I never felt like a woman had any particular role to play or place to keep. Except when I get into serious, monogamous relationships. Until I get to the point where me and my man start talking about marriage. It’s then that I always felt a little of myself begin to slip away for the sake of living up to that “total package” moniker.
I don’t want to be that woman anymore. I want to be the woman up late at night typing furiously on her laptop, hoping her words become a bestseller in your local bookstore. I want to be the woman who doesn’t care about keeping a spotless house or if she’ll ever find Mr. Right. That’s not my main goal in life and it never has been.
In my perfect reality, my main goal in life is to always be growing and changing, hopefully becoming a better person year after year. My main desire is that I’m always learning something about myself, and out of that knowledge emerge more compassionate, self-aware and courageous enough to do all the things that make me happy, even if they be the very things that eventually break my relationships apart.
I don’t want to be anybody’s total package. I just want to be myself, which is probably the single most important thing to me right now. Ironically, it’s also the hardest thing for me to do.
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Such an honest and refreshing article.
“In my perfect reality, my main goal in life is to always be growing and changing, hopefully becoming a better person year after year. My main desire is that I’m always learning something about myself, and out of that knowledge emerge more compassionate, self-aware and courageous enough to do all the things that make me happy, even if they be the very things that eventually break my relationships apart.”
This quote, in my humble opinion, sounds quite selfish. As a 28 year old career driven woman, I’m also described frequently as the “total package”. I, too, have achieved several degrees, (PhD in progress), love to cook, launched a business and also work full time, ran a few marathons and I’m very attractive if I may say so myself
. While I was doing all of these things, the right person came along and the rest is hisory. I understand that these material achievements are not what constitutes my character. I’m all about growing and changing to become a better person, but I believe that ofttimes, true compassion is manifested through sacrifice. The very nature of a truly loving, health, happy and (for me) God centered relationship is the fact that we don’t self-centeredly (if that’s even a word lol) put our own needs and gratification first to the detriment of relationships – even those that have potential, quashing them before they bloom. It’s the mutual giving of each other, which allows you to fully give to the other from the bottom of your soul. This is true humility, regardless of personal achievement. If BOTH partners do this, there’s no greater feeling in this world, and it will be a mutually growing, evolving and loving relationship or marriage, in which both partners will grow and achieve their maximum potential. I think the most important lesson here is that, in my opinion, sometimes true growth and evolution is realized when we understand that living for ourselves, at all times, makes our world a lot smaller.
I’m very much in favor of practicing true love + compassion in a relationship. A relationship where both people are free to grow + change. What I’m not cool with is losing yourself + who you really are for the sake of *being* in a relationship or for the sole purpose of pleasing your man. The latter is what I’m getting at in this post. I agree that material achievements are not what constitute my character, either, which is why I say I don’t want to be the “total package”…
I believe that you *can* fully give to another person without having to sacrifice or compromise your individual values. If that is not possible, than the other person is not truly accepting you for who you are. I have met so many women who’ve given up on their dreams + never maximize their full potential in life because they are too focused on pleasing their partner.
I always love hearing other folks’ viewpoints on this, though. Appreciate your comment!
You’re so right! I have witnessed a good friend in a long term (over 5 years) relationship pick up her life and abandon (possibly temporarily) her dreams for a person to whom she was not even engaged! And the boyfriend has still given no indication of marriage in the near future. I believe that it takes two whole people to constitute a healthy relationship, and it truly starts with knowing who you are inside and out, your values, and what you consider to be your dealbreakers.
I once baffled a friend of mine when she inquired about my then boyfriend moving in with me. I responded with a resounding hecksss naaww! lol. At the time, I was 24, onward and upward, and I felt that there was no place for that in my life, and I knew that it would be a bad idea. Plus, the guy carried a lot of negative energy, and I definitely didn’t want to internalize it. When I knew the relationship was unhealthy and going no where, I ended it, and stuck to my guns. Meanwhile, she had sacrificed her grad school dreams to *support* her own boyfriend while he was in grad school. I witnessed this same guy cheating on her several times, and her genuine disatisfaction with where she was in life…it just didn’t seem worth it. The key is that BOTH parties have to be willing and able to uplift each other, while allowing each other the space to spread his/her wings and soar.
I think the problem is that many of the women who lose who they are in life once they get into a relationship probably did not take advantage of the time that they were single to find out and solidify exactly who they are and what they stand for. This way, they can discover what they truly want and don’t want. When that right person comes and you decide to get married, your life will be focused on pleasing him, but because he’s operating on the same value and wave length, his life will be focused on pleasing you, which includes supporting your dreams, goals, achievements, and desires. In this way, you BOTH reach your full potential.
Btw, love your blog! Very inspiring
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A lot of these men want their women to be perfect, like a Stepford Wife. They don’t understand that no one is perfect and everyone is multifaceted. We can’t fit into a pretty little box to please them.
Dear Rosetta,
I actually think the phrase “Total Package” is kind of insulting to us as women. I mean, doesn’t it sound commodifying or minimizing to you? Are we wrapped up under a Christmas tree for some lucky person to find? I don’t think we could ever be contained that way.
When I was dating 2 years ago, it was easy for those random guys to decide that I was what they wanted, and instantly just go from zero to let’s commit. But luckily, I was very very clear about what I wanted. And I, like you, want to be writing that next book, leading that next workshop, or giving that keynote and traveling all over the world too. Not staying home being wifey, as you said. Luckily, I found a guy who really gets that, and supports me to write and speak. As an aside, and I know this is totally not the same, I had long straight hair too. I was afraid he wouldn’t like me anymore if I cut it off. But last winter when I cut off all my hair, he applauded.
I hope you can find someone who loves every single part about you, and who will support you on your journey.
Mazarine
great post. I’ve also realized that I was guilty of this, the other way around. I was in a long term relationship but constantly frustrated that my significant other wasn’t fitting neatly into my idea of how he should play his role. I expected him to fit into a mold that was created in my mind throughout my life based on the whole happily ever after fairytale. When he showed me sides of himself that didn’t fit that mold, I resisted it, judged it and basically rejected it. It wasn’t until I started seeing him as an individual with unique and relevant qualities and not as a placeholder for the role in my life called “boyfriend” that I was finally able to settle in to our relationship and feel confident.
Oh I’ve been there too LOL. In college, my longtime boyfriend wasn’t growing into the person that *I* wanted him to be, which caused all kinds of problems in our relationship with me trying to control him. I would never do that to anyone again though since now I’ve been on the other side of it.
Oh I’ve been there too LOL. In college, my longtime boyfriend wasn’t growing into the person that *I* wanted him to be, which caused all kinds of problems in our relationship with me trying to control him. I would never do that to anyone again though since now I’ve been on the other side of it.
I agree. Except for the slim figure which I haven’t had for a few years, men say the same thing to me. “Total package” puts you in a box that doesn’t leave room for you to be you. The problem is that all of the qualities that they seem to like are superficial and are not telling at all about who I am as a person. I can’t let others define me and that might mean that I’m not Mrs. Right for anyone. My Mr. Right accepts me the way I am and that might be up late typing on my laptop, traveling the world on a whim or anything I can imagine.
“I can’t let others define me and that might mean that I’m not Mrs. Right for anyone.” Kenya this is often how I feel as well. I want to find someone that can accept me as a whole person, and if I can’t find that then I’d rather be alone.
“I can’t let others define me and that might mean that I’m not Mrs. Right for anyone.” Kenya this is often how I feel as well. I want to find someone that can accept me as a whole person, and if I can’t find that then I’d rather be alone.
Real Brother here.
I think the Sista’s are getting it all wrong[as usual] Black women need to incorporate Black men into their lives and businesses and stop thinking of a man as a human vibrator or ATM machine.That concept was delivered by Black lesbians who don’t want you to have a man.There are examples in the Asian, Latino and White communities where their women don’t HATE their men.They raise their sons not to HATE their Race, each other and listen to everything a Racist, White Supremacist or Black man hating lesbian tells them.These people even Oprah do not have your best interests at heart. They are crying tears of joy that Black women still think to have a life they have to be single. Its stupid and dumb and is destroying our Race. Please for the love of God stop it.
TKCAL
Wow. You are really wrong.
I don’t think Rosetta was calling men vibrators or ATM machines. Those words never appear above! And lesbians? Are you homophobic and closeminded enough to believe there’s some sort of… LESBIAN CONSPIRACY? HAHAHAHAHAH You are KIDDING, RIGHT?
Are you responding to some other blog post?
That must be it.
Mazarine
That is the most ignorant thing I’ve heard. Why is it necessary for black women to incorporate black men into their lives? Why can’t a black woman—or a woman of any race—find a decent man, period? Or heck, some women aren’t interested in having a man in their lives and it doesn’t make them “man-hating lesbians.”
Some black men can be so misogynistic…
Yeah, I've decided that my own personal growth is more important than keeping the peace to stay in any relationship. I think if a person really loves you they won't want you to remain stagnant anyway. And I totally agree with this: “The guy I'm going to stick with is the one who wants to uncover all my most interesting, unpredictable layers and is geared towards evolution!”
THANK YOU for this post. I kick myself when I start to wonder if it's a guy thing to NOT have the goal of growing and changing, because I hate attributing things to “guy behavior” and “girl behavior”. But this ended up being the dealbreaker in my most serious relationship — I wanted to grow and change and he wanted us to both be exactly as we were (or as he perceived us to be).
I think being “the total package” is really being misperceived as some color-by-the-numbers imaginary woman. Glad to hear that you are going to keep growing and changing and getting to the heart of the woman you are rather than “simmer down” and fit into someone else's mold. The guy I'm going to stick with is the one who wants to uncover all my most interesting, unpredictable layers and is geared towards evolution!
THANK YOU for this post. I kick myself when I start to wonder if it’s a guy thing to NOT have the goal of growing and changing, because I hate attributing things to “guy behavior” and “girl behavior”. But this ended up being the dealbreaker in my most serious relationship — I wanted to grow and change and he wanted us to both be exactly as we were (or as he perceived us to be).
I think being “the total package” is really being misperceived as some color-by-the-numbers imaginary woman. Glad to hear that you are going to keep growing and changing and getting to the heart of the woman you are rather than “simmer down” and fit into someone else’s mold. The guy I’m going to stick with is the one who wants to uncover all my most interesting, unpredictable layers and is geared towards evolution!
Yeah, I’ve decided that my own personal growth is more important than keeping the peace to stay in any relationship. I think if a person really loves you they won’t want you to remain stagnant anyway. And I totally agree with this: “The guy I’m going to stick with is the one who wants to uncover all my most interesting, unpredictable layers and is geared towards evolution!”
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i'm all late (and should be writing instead), but anyhoo…
i'm just a couple years older & while i've never been focused on being someone's wifey, getting married & having kids has always been a dream & goal of mine – along with all my career goals. after a good 'lebn years of being “out there”, i have only a few, yet very intense stories to tell. what i've learned is that when you do as you are & focus on growing to be the best you possible, the right person comes along for the right reason/season. i still worry sometimes b/c 35 (my personal uterine cut-off age) isn't far off, but everything happens in its own time. if either of us was ready to be married, we would be already, regardless of the who's out there (or seems not to be). i also had to let go & mourn the idea of ever getting married & birthing my own children (i'm definitely planning to adopt). sometimes we chase things so hard that we run ourselves right out of what we're seeking! this has really helped me in MANY areas, not just on the man-front.
Yes, I love this post. I agree 100%. The problrm that I seem to have in my dating experiences happen to be the opposite though. Men tend to think that because I have long hair and light skinned that I am into their money, uneducated (or an airhead) and want to party all the time. That is so far from the truth. I like to read, walk in the park, enjoy art, jazz, traveling and I'm obsessed with fashion. Not fashion the way they indentify me. (Gucci, Fendi bags, Chanel shades and mini skirts). No! So much more than that…
But they end up learning in time and they are either more intrigued or completely turn off.
Never judge a book by it's cover.
Yes, I love this post. I agree 100%. The problrm that I seem to have in my dating experiences happen to be the opposite though. Men tend to think that because I have long hair and light skinned that I am into their money, uneducated (or an airhead) and want to party all the time. That is so far from the truth. I like to read, walk in the park, enjoy art, jazz, traveling and I'm obsessed with fashion. Not fashion the way they indentify me. (Gucci, Fendi bags, Chanel shades and mini skirts). No! So much more than that…
But they end up learning in time and they are either more intrigued or completely turn off.
Never judge a book by it's cover.
Yes, I love this post. I agree 100%. The problrm that I seem to have in my dating experiences happen to be the opposite though. Men tend to think that because I have long hair and light skinned that I am into their money, uneducated (or an airhead) and want to party all the time. That is so far from the truth. I like to read, walk in the park, enjoy art, jazz, traveling and I’m obsessed with fashion. Not fashion the way they indentify me. (Gucci, Fendi bags, Chanel shades and mini skirts). No! So much more than that…
But they end up learning in time and they are either more intrigued or completely turn off.
Never judge a book by it’s cover.
I always appreciate the perspective of women who are older than me! I've heard this from many of my older friends, too. So I'm trying to have a balance. I'm not pressed about finding a life partner, but when I do get into a promising relationship, I try to give it my all.
I really enjoy reading your blog. You remind me of myself when I was 27, I thought I was MUCH too young to settle down with a man, afterall, there were PLENTY of them and I had the world to see and a career to build. HOWEVER : ) five years later at the age of 32, now I'm ready to settle down, but I'm looking around and…um… well the “pickings” just aren't as aplenty as they were when I was 27.
It's so funny how it seems most of my girlfriends, highschool friends and even college friends have somehow gotten engaged or married while I was on the career track. Now, the “good” men are most definitely already in a relationship. And now there's younger, fresher and hotter women on the scene.
So my advice is – while you say “being somebody’s wifey is the last thing on my list”, don't be too nonchalant on the relationship front – or it might just pass you by!
Love and Kisses!
I really enjoy reading your blog. You remind me of myself when I was 27, I thought I was MUCH too young to settle down with a man, afterall, there were PLENTY of them and I had the world to see and a career to build. HOWEVER : ) five years later at the age of 32, now I’m ready to settle down, but I’m looking around and…um… well the “pickings” just aren’t as aplenty as they were when I was 27.
It’s so funny how it seems most of my girlfriends, highschool friends and even college friends have somehow gotten engaged or married while I was on the career track. Now, the “good” men are most definitely already in a relationship. And now there’s younger, fresher and hotter women on the scene.
So my advice is – while you say “being somebody’s wifey is the last thing on my list”, don’t be too nonchalant on the relationship front – or it might just pass you by!
Love and Kisses!
I always appreciate the perspective of women who are older than me! I’ve heard this from many of my older friends, too. So I’m trying to have a balance. I’m not pressed about finding a life partner, but when I do get into a promising relationship, I try to give it my all.
i’m all late (and should be writing instead), but anyhoo…
i’m just a couple years older & while i’ve never been focused on being someone’s wifey, getting married & having kids has always been a dream & goal of mine – along with all my career goals. after a good ‘lebn years of being “out there”, i have only a few, yet very intense stories to tell. what i’ve learned is that when you do as you are & focus on growing to be the best you possible, the right person comes along for the right reason/season. i still worry sometimes b/c 35 (my personal uterine cut-off age) isn’t far off, but everything happens in its own time. if either of us was ready to be married, we would be already, regardless of the who’s out there (or seems not to be). i also had to let go & mourn the idea of ever getting married & birthing my own children (i’m definitely planning to adopt). sometimes we chase things so hard that we run ourselves right out of what we’re seeking! this has really helped me in MANY areas, not just on the man-front.
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I love this and can totally relate. Being somebody's 'Mrs.' is not, nor has it ever been, the focus of my life. I'd be lying to say that I don't want a relationship – one that works- but I have a lot of other things to occupy my thoughts. As the saying goes, I have places to go and people to meet. If, by chance, one of those people turns out to be 'Mr. Right,' that's great. In the meantime, I'm gonna keep on working on me.
I love this and can totally relate. Being somebody’s ‘Mrs.’ is not, nor has it ever been, the focus of my life. I’d be lying to say that I don’t want a relationship – one that works- but I have a lot of other things to occupy my thoughts. As the saying goes, I have places to go and people to meet. If, by chance, one of those people turns out to be ‘Mr. Right,’ that’s great. In the meantime, I’m gonna keep on working on me.
Rosetta, thank you for being so honest and clear about this issue. I just ended an eight-year long relationship where I was constantly reminded that “one day you are going to outgrow me”. While I did not outgrow my partner, I got sick and tired of this mantra and became annoyed at myself for morphing into a half-version of my former self. Less outgoing, less bold, less fun, more accommodating, more….gray. No more, though! I am slowly making my way back to me, and I wish you fun on your own journey!
Rosetta, thank you for being so honest and clear about this issue. I just ended an eight-year long relationship where I was constantly reminded that “one day you are going to outgrow me”. While I did not outgrow my partner, I got sick and tired of this mantra and became annoyed at myself for morphing into a half-version of my former self. Less outgoing, less bold, less fun, more accommodating, more….gray. No more, though! I am slowly making my way back to me, and I wish you fun on your own journey!
Wow! I think you’ve been reading MY diary! I wish I was as aware as you are when I was 27….
Wow! I think you’ve been reading MY diary! I wish I was as aware as you are when I was 27….
Such a pleasure reading this amidst the seemingly popular mainstream media articles on “lonely/single professional black women”. My favorite line:
“In my perfect reality, my main goal in life is to always be growing and changing, hopefully becoming a better person year after year. My main desire is that I’m always learning something about myself, and out of that knowledge emerge more compassionate, self-aware and courageous enough to do all the things that make me happy, even if they be the very things that eventually break my relationships apart.”
Thank you for reading! I’ve come to the conclusion that the popular mainstream media are not going to tell our stories, not the real ones. So we have to tell them ourselves!
Such a pleasure reading this amidst the seemingly popular mainstream media articles on “lonely/single professional black women”. My favorite line:
“In my perfect reality, my main goal in life is to always be growing and changing, hopefully becoming a better person year after year. My main desire is that I’m always learning something about myself, and out of that knowledge emerge more compassionate, self-aware and courageous enough to do all the things that make me happy, even if they be the very things that eventually break my relationships apart.”
Thank you for reading! I’ve come to the conclusion that the popular mainstream media are not going to tell our stories, not the real ones. So we have to tell them ourselves!