“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” – Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
When I was in college, I moved in with a boyfriend for a while until I could afford my own apartment. It was the first time we had been around each other on a constant, daily basis and it was weird being privy to all of his personal stuff. But instead of giving him privacy, I snooped through all his things while he was at work. One day, I found a court summons that stated he was to show up for a child support hearing in the next few weeks. Child support? As far as I knew, my boyfriend had no children. When he came home that night, I met him at the door with my hand on my hip. “What’s this?” I asked angrily. His explanation was that a “crazy girl” had accused him of being the father of her baby, but it was all untrue. And he was going to “fight it.”
I didn’t believe him.
So what did my little 19 year old self do? I decided to go to the source. I knew the woman’s name and her address must have been on the court paperwork I found. One day while my boyfriend was at work, I drove over to her house. It was a 30-minute drive from where we lived and the whole way over, my mind was racing. What would I say? What would she say? I had all this anger boiling up within me about this situation and I didn’t know where to put it. Â What was I gonna do, beat the girl up? I’d never been in a fight in my entire life.
Right before I got out of the car, I decided that all I really wanted was the truth. I wanted to see the baby for myself. I felt like if I saw the baby and it looked like my boyfriend, there was no way he’d be able to win me back with his lies.
I rang the doorbell. Apparently, the woman lived at home with her parents and the baby. It was a nice house and she was a nice person. I told her who I was and instead of cussing me out for being on her doorstep, she invited me in. We talked for a few minutes, woman to woman, without the drama. She told me the whole timeline of their relationship, over a year prior to when I hooked up with him. Then, she brought out the baby. I immediately recognized my boyfriend in her little boy’s eyes, nose, ears. This was most definitely his child. As my grandmother would say, it was almost as if his daddy had spit him out!
I knew. And she knew I knew. I thanked her for her time and walked back to my car.
I felt humiliated.
Not just for being the silly stereotype of the angry black chick going to confront the “other woman” about her man, but for not going with my gut in the first place. The moment I stood in front of my boyfriend that night, waving the court summons in his face, I knew it was true. And when he gave me that always-lame excuse about her being “crazy,” I knew he was lying. At my core, I even knew that things were quickly going downhill in our relationship. So why did I have to go over to this woman’s house, interrupting her good life?
I didn’t trust myself.
I didn’t realize at the time that I was already the source of truth, that it was important to value my own intuition. And it took me a long time to learn that lesson. Even after that relationship, I became obsessed with checking every boyfriend’s phone. I would read all the text messages and emails. I found out a few men were married. I found more undisclosed children. But I also “found” things when there was actually nothing to find.
Finally, I decided to apply a very simple rule to all of my relationships. If I feel the need to go snooping, I probably shouldn’t be with this person. A relationship based on mistrust is not the kind of relationship I want to have. And that includes my relationship with myself.
Do you find it difficult to trust your gut? Have you ever been in a relationship where you knew you were being lied to, but you just didn’t want to admit it?
happyblackwoman
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Damn Sandy! That was so deep! I love it and it’s so true.
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I hope you don’t mind me commenting. I commented on another post and there wasn’t a response. But I see some beautiful people here sharing ideas that are critical to living a beautiful life. Perhaps sharing a little even though I think I am beyond your age and market could be helpful to someone.
Yes of course I’ve met my share during my life time: Did I tell you about the one who stood me up? Did I tell you about the one who lied about their occupation? Did I tell you about the ones who cheated? who had babies? who pretended to be who they weren’t? who stole valuable items from me after winning my trust? and he list goes on and on.
So why did these things happen over and over again? Why has my life gotten 1000% better once I’ve been through all of this?
One day I woke up and realized that I had been sold the wrong information…
I was told that “every woman” needs a man, that you aren’t complete without a man and a family, that there is something wrong with eating or traveling alone, that your femininity is defined by having dates, and marriage and children. I was also told you are to hard on men, you need to find someone who can take care of you because implied that I couldn’t do it myself, I was told that there is something wrong with being cool with being alone…
I was told many other lies.
In addition to what I was told, I had not been taught to express my feelings, feel my feelings, to talk back sometimes, to say no sometimes.
I had been told that every one needs the love of another, that love is what you get from someone else, that love is sex, that some men who are nice don’t resonate because they aren’t bad boys…
To make a long story short…I finally figured out that “love” is what you give to the world, to another, and there will be times when you are throwing pearls to swine. Love cannot be negotiated between two people; its not business. It’s about respect for one another. It’s not sex but sex would take care of itself if the respect is there. It’s not a game with rules that need to be figured out.
So what is love? It’s so simple and clear we think its boring…The answer has been provided but we ignore it:
Per Corinthians 13:4-8:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres….
Here is how this scripture applies to you:
You see when we find the right person they will be patient, they will be kind, they will not be jealous, they will not be arrogant or prideful, they will not dishonor you, they will not be “easily angered”, they will not compete, they will be truthful, they will be protective and be someone you can trust….
These are the values we all should strive for….It’s a process; but if you meet someone and they are not working on this process, then love cannot thrive.
The person to love may be the one you find boring or their is not chemistry, or they aren’t fine, or they aren’t exciting. But they love you; the question is if you’re about love, why do you not love them back?
Sandy, thank you for sharing…this article definitely hit upon a very important subject trusting ones gut/intuition. However you have shared a wealth of knowledge with us so thank you for sharing that…this was written months ago but it was meant for me to see it today and right now as I am in some need of some advice in my relationship. Thank you again!
Thank you for sharing. So many times we fail to listen to that small voice of truth. How important is it to do so.
I trust my intuition, but not nearly enough…especially when I want it to be wrong…
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