Boy, nothin’ in life is free
That’s why I’m askin’ you what can you do for me
I’ve got responsibilities
So I’m lookin’ for a man who’s got money in his hands
This song has been stuck in my head since last night. (The lyrics are catchy, I have to admit.)
I started singing the chorus last night night as I was talking to a woman I know who is currently involved with a man 20 years her senior (she is in her early 20s). Not because she loves him, but because he takes her shopping, buys her clothes and pays her car note every month. I was trying to wrap my head around what that must look like, when I remembered how much my own approach to past relationships was influenced by that same idea – that the man has to “pay” for your affections.
Like many women, I was taught that sex is the cookie in romantic relationships. Even now, my grandmother is an especially strong advocate of the “no romance without finance” school of dating thought.
Of course, the idea of using a man for financial security is not a new one, not by a long shot. Like the song says, “ain’t nothin’ goin’ on but the rent.”
But is that what’s really going on?
The old school version of this might be looking for a “sugar daddy.” The new school thing that I hear ladies my age saying now is that they need a “sponsor” to pay for their housing, various bills and clothing and entertainment.
Taken at face value, it can sound pretty empowering. Go girl! Get what you can get! But there are a lot of reasons why having a “sponsor” is detrimental to a woman’s personal growth. Here are a few I was thinking of last night.
It’s Out of Alignment with the Values of Honesty and Integrity
Most of us would say that being honest and having other people be honest with us is an important value. But when you seek out a sponsor, sugar daddy, no matter what you call it – it starts with manipulating a man for money and gifts. You might say that if both parties agree to the arrangement, then what’s the big deal, right? I suppose if it were that cut and dry, maybe it wouldn’t be an issue. But when emotions, sex and money are involved, it is rarely, if ever, that simple. Women often pretend to be more interested or attracted to a wealthy man than they really are in order to get the financial benefits of the relationship. Me and my friends used to pride ourselves on being female “pimps” because we had the “ability” to get men we didn’t really like to take us to expensive places and buy us expensive stuff. Was that being honest? Was that in alignment with integrity?
It Keeps You from Reaching Your Full Potential
When I hear women saying they need a sponsor, it seems often out of frustration with a mountain of bills, worrying about going broke or dissatisfaction with their quality of life. But having someone else pay your way keeps you from figuring out how to design your ideal life and accomplish certain goals on your own. By taking the “easy” route to financial assistance, you prevent yourself from fully exploring other, more sustainable opportunities for getting ahead, like starting a side hustle or getting a better job. All the energy you use up in pursuing a fake relationship can be put to use in elevating yourself to your full potential for happiness and wealth. What a shame to waste it.
It Prevents You from Pursuing More Fulfilling Opportunities
When you’re using your weeknights and weekends going out with a “sponsor” that you wouldn’t ever want as a real boyfriend or husband, you limit your free time that you could be using to date men that have true relationship potential. With the burden of a fake romance in your life, you unintentionally close yourself off to opportunities for more fulfilling relationships. It also causes you to compare your alternatives using a monetary lens, not an emotional one, further limiting your ability to “see” other, better options out there in the sea.
It Affects Your Future Relationships
If you’re used to getting all you can get from your romantic partner, that same attitude will likely spill over into every other relationship you have. Since having a sponsor is born out of a “what can you do for me” attitude, it reduces your willingness to show up as your best self in future relationships. I remember going from dating a well-off businessman to a struggling graduate student. The grad student never seemed to have any money to take me out and I judged him harshly for that, even though he was an intelligent, compassionate, kind person that I had a lot in common with. Is that the kind of person I really wanted to be? No, it wasn’t. At that time, I had not yet learned how to be able to try something different, to open myself up to something real.
Clearly I don’t think that pursuing a sponsor-type relationship is a good idea, but perhaps instead of judgment around it, what we really need are better questions to figure out why many of us think of this as a “solution” in the first place.
What do you think about “sponsors?” Are they harmful to our personal growth?
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Interesting perspective. Having a “sponsor” never feels good. It comes with strings attached, always. It was not until I experienced this that I realized what was truly important to me. I was raised to believe in the church community, experiences from other women, songs, that a man is suppose to provide and protect. I thought I found this in a man who had political influence and was wealthy. I thought that this would be the perfect man to have a child with as he will be able to take care of his children, should I decide to have kids for him. I almost felt like I didn’t need an emotional connection with him and that I could get that sort of connection and bond from my girlfriends. After sporadically dating him over the course of 6 months, I realized that that would not be a life for me. His focus was ALL about making money and he had no desire or time to connect with me on an emotional level. I had to re-evaluate my values and ask myself If I could manage to live such a life. I decided I wanted a man I can have an emotional connection with, even if he isn’t wealthy, with clout or any major influence.
On the other hand, I dated a man previously who had no money, but we connected emotionally. What ended up developing was a strong emotional attachment to each other that when the relationship ended, it felt like my heart ripped. What caused our relationship to end? An argument over money, which was a constant in our relationship. I needed a few dollars for something and he told me he didn’t like the feeling of having to help me “meet my basic needs.” Isn’t that why you get together, to be there for each other in our times of need?” So we broke up, me devastated, updated my checklist of what I wanted in a man “Generous” being number 1 and I went on the extreme end with the “sponsor.”
All in all, what I’ve come away with is simply to focus on loving me, first and foremost, and always. Like you said in another article, instead of looking at relationships as absolutes, look at relationships as experiences. The “sponsor” was an experience and the “broke boyfriend” was an experience and both I learned something from. I now just want a man who has one thing in common with me and that is his passion for me. I prefer he be generous with his heart, his time, and his money (however little it may be).
We all can learn to challenge our belief system when it comes to men, life, expectations and their relationship with us. How they are to behave with us, where the notion of “provide and protect” truly comes from, what that means to us from an “African” perspective. It’s tough but we are all in this together.
Read my latest blog post…Living A Colorful Life
I never had a sponsor. I always wanted the real thing out of relationships. I think they are very harmful for our personal growth. If someone is always paying your bills, then how do you learn how to budget? How to not get yourself in that situation again? You’re still doing the same foolishness, but someone else is fotting the bill.
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I totally agree with most of what you’re saying here. I personally have never subscribed to the “sugar daddy” or “sponsor” mindset. I’ve always only wanted the real deal, and I was also independent enough to have my own. I agree that this mindset is definitely out of alignment with honesty and integrity. I agree that it prevents you from more fulfilling opportunities. I agree that it can affect your future relationships and what you end up bringing to the table (or NOT bringing for that matter). But the one thing I disagree on is it keeping you from reaching your full potential. Now let me be clear, I am NOT condoning “sponsorship”. But as I am in a transition point of my life, I would love to not have to worry about the mountain of debt over my head, and sometimes even having enough to make it through the end of the month. If I could have someone else take care of all of my NEEDS, I could then take the worry out of the way and focus full-time on the training I want in my industry, as well as more business coaching and training. Not to mention, I wouldn’t have to worry about affording the training I want. My preference would be to meet and fall in love with my soul mate, who is already financially stable and wealthy, so I that I can more easily get myself together. I am fully aware that this is fantasizing about the easy way out, but I have to be honest here. I don’t feel like meeting someone who could take care of my needs would prevent me from fulfilling my own personal dreams, I feel it would instead fuel me and make me happier by making my life a lot easier.
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I love that you shared here from your own experiences and feelings, Alexis. Your comment is making me think about how we (women) come up with our criteria for a life partner, whether consciously or subconsciously. I am wondering if there are similarities in what I refer to as a “sponsor” here and what many of us are taught about how the husband should be the major breadwinner and be able to meet all of our financial needs (wants?).
Now I’m thinking – whoa, that’s a lot of pressure on men! No wonder so many guys don’t want to get married.
Rosetta
I’ve also had men criticize me for being an entrepreneur. One of my decisions was so I don’t place the financial burden on my husband and not have to put future kids into daycare (because then I would have developed the habit of working from home) but I’ve felt over the last 5 years that living a life like this is scary for men to digest. I’ve had men ask me, “Are you sure you want to get married? looks like you can financially take care of yourself,” “It doesn’t seem like you need a man,” or “You are one tough Iron lady. You could soften up a bit,” not realized that being self-employed makes you feel very vulnerable. Its tough because not a lot of black men are entrepreneurs. Lots of black men aren’t experiencing freedom. They work for a corporate job if they do work, and feel insecure because they could get the pink slip at anytime, but if you decide to add your own income into the mix, they feel emasculated. If you desire a man who feels confident about his money, is an Alpha-Male, feel secure, then you are labeled a “gold digger.” Where is the win-win?
Read my latest blog post…Living A Colorful Life
I agree, that if you expect your husband to be the major bread winner, that could be a lot of pressure if he is not wired that way. But that is not what I was suggesting. I was stating that if I could have the help during my time of transition so I could get myself together, that would be great. It would make life a lot easier. But once I have the training I want and start working fully in my own business, I expect both of us to be bringing in abundant income. That is the ultimate life I want for myself. I see myself and my husband living a wonderfully free life, fulfilling our purposes and enjoying life together as partners. My previous comment was my fantasy thinking of what could happen now to help me get there, and to share that maybe having the financial help would not necessarily deter a woman from fulfilling her dreams, depending on the type of woman it is.
Read my latest blog post…Holiday Wishes from Finding Hope Within
Yeah, my reply to you was a slight digression – sorry! What I was sharing was how your comment made me think about something else.
But to your original comment, I have had that fantasy of having financial help, too. I have only recently began exploring where, exactly, it (the fantasy) comes from.
lol, Oh ok. No problem. I get what you’re saying.
Read my latest blog post…Holiday Wishes from Finding Hope Within
I think it pays to look at our actions and where they come from- whether or not the behavior registers with us as inappropriate immediately. I don’t want a sponsor, I want freedom- to me freedom is being able to create your dreams. A sponsor can help you survive, help you achieve an aspect of your dream, but they can’t empower you- the power is secondhand and I believe you will begin to feel the opposite of empowered when depending on someone else, no matter how well they take care of you. Being able to achieve exactly what you want in life is a great great feeling. This is taken away when we believe we need someone else to do great things for us or be strong for us.
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Beautiful Tina. I feel corporate jobs are also “sponsors.” We depend on these jobs to “take care of us” and “we feel comfortable” and kept when we are with these jobs day in and day out but we will never feel empowered as long as we are there. Let freedom ring in every area of our lives.
Read my latest blog post…Living A Colorful Life
I’ve never experienced this myself nor has any of my friends but I know MTV did a True Life episode on it. In fact, I think it’s a job to have a “sponsor.” It seems like there is a lot to keeping them or pursuing them to get them to do for you. Those same four reasons a woman doesn’t need a sponsor is the same four reasons they work that hard to keep them. These women are not trying to be anything other than kept. Hopefully one day these ladies will know that money can’t buy them happiness or a relationship.
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