Now I understand why he didn’t call.
One thing I’ve learned about online dating is that whenever someone uses the word “slightly,” it usually means that the problem is significant, but they’re just trying to downplay it. Same thing with the disabled man. I wish I had a better name for him. Let’s call him K.
After K emails to tell me about his disability, I do some quick research on cerebral palsy. I find out that it takes many forms. I learn that cerebral refers to the cerebrum, the affected area of the brain, and that palsy refers to disorder of movement. I want to be knowledgeable and aware when I call him.
But let me back up a minute.
My gut said not to call him. My gut said it’s hard enough dating a “normal” man, why would I want this additional complication? My gut said “on to the next one.” But maybe I wanted proof that my gut was right.
So I call him. As soon as K answers the phone, I hear it. His slur is definitely noticeable, though probably not as pronounced as it could be. At least I can understand him, and can even detect a slight southern accent beneath the slur. We talk about our interests, our careers, our families. I don’t want to pry, so I just say, “You must have had to overcome a lot of challenges to get to where you are today.”
I want to hear about his disability and how he’s able to live a normal life. He tells me about how his brothers and sisters were his support system growing up. How his parents were the best ever. He doesn’t mention anything about kids teasing him or bad luck with women. He does tell me about his father committing suicide a few years ago, right after he moved to DC, which is how I lost my own father. The amazing thing is that there’s no bitterness in anything he says. Despite K’s disability, he has the most positive outlook on life. The lawyer definitely could’ve taken a lesson from his book.
And so could I.
My girl Vivrant Thang said it best:
You never know what lesson that man may be in your life to teach you. Reason, season, lifetime.
K may have shown up in my life to remind me to choose happiness in all aspects of my life, even where I feel God has dealt me a bad hand. You just make the most of what you have and appreciate the journey.
Although K may have a lot of life lessons to teach me, I know we could never be more than friends. Even though he sounds pretty well-adjusted, the way his voice sounds makes me think he’s mentally slow, which I know he is not. It’s the perception that makes me pity him, and I would never want to date someone I feel sorry for.
I can also tell that he’d be a pushover. During my younger days, I learned how to manipulate men and got really good at being able to tell if someone is a “mark.” K is definitely the type of man that would do anything for a woman. But since I’m no longer in that stage of my life, I don’t want to be with someone who will do whatever I say. I want someone who sees themselves as my equal. Already, he is agreeing with everything I say, saying we “must be twins” because we have so much in common. Too much in common, actually. Which is kind of weird.
After a while, I start feeling like that one scene from Coming to America:
Akeem: What do you like to do?
Bride to be: Whatever you like.
Akeem: What kind of music do you like?
Bride to be: Whatever kind of music you like.
Everything I say I like, he likes. Everything I say I like to do, he likes to do. Either he’s just really a “go with the flow” kinda guy or he just wants to connect with a woman, any woman, on whatever level she will allow him to.
In the end, I realize that I probably shouldn’t go on a date with him at all. One date would set up an expectation for another. I’ve had enough experience with men falling in love with me overnight, so I know this would not end well. And I don’t believe in offering friendship to a man as a consolation prize, so it’s either all or nothing with me.
This time, it’s gonna have to be nothing.
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Well your post is a prime example of the shallowness and selfishness in today’s society.
Even though a romantic relationship isn’t a possibility with the gentleman your selfishness is preventing you from deriving something special that is found in developing a best friend.
Drop the “Romance or Nothing,” you’ll experience and grow more in your lifetime if you do.
well, this was a very shallow story… why go out of your way to write this anyway.. you never even gave it a chance..
Good to hear that you gave it a shot. He sounds nice but it also seems (from what I've read) that you two didn't feel that much needed spark. I m glad to see that you know yourself well enough to understand what you are willing to put up with… in regards to men and their personalities.
Good to hear that you gave it a shot. He sounds nice but it also seems (from what I’ve read) that you two didn’t feel that much needed spark. I m glad to see that you know yourself well enough to understand what you are willing to put up with… in regards to men and their personalities.
I think that was probably part of it, but it's not that he was “too nice.” I love nice guys. I just couldn't get a sense of his personality that was unique from mine.
I'd still go out with him. A date won't hurt.
I’d still go out with him. A date won’t hurt.
It seems your decision to not date him had nothing to do with his disability. He seemed like he was just “Too Nice.” I'm sure that hurts too but life is not always fair so he'll have to learn to not appear as a pushover or “Too Nice.” Reflecting a balance is the issue here. Good luck in your dating.
It's great that you came to that decision. Some folk are just desperate to date, that they'll just take the first person that shows any kind of vague interest in them.
Disclaimer: I have a physical disability. It's so minor & most people don't notice until I point it out. (Or they do notice but choose not to comment until I bring it up first) I'd be curious to know how many people have rejected me because I'm deaf. I've been fortunate to date some really awesome guys who have embraced it. Just like your readers/twitter followers have mentioned: it IS a personal preference to date someone with a disability. By the way, Vivrant thing is soooo correct with her comment.
It seems your decision to not date him had nothing to do with his disability. He seemed like he was just “Too Nice.” I’m sure that hurts too but life is not always fair so he’ll have to learn to not appear as a pushover or “Too Nice.” Reflecting a balance is the issue here. Good luck in your dating.
I think that was probably part of it, but it’s not that he was “too nice.” I love nice guys. I just couldn’t get a sense of his personality that was unique from mine.
It’s great that you came to that decision. Some folk are just desperate to date, that they’ll just take the first person that shows any kind of vague interest in them.
Disclaimer: I have a physical disability. It’s so minor & most people don’t notice until I point it out. (Or they do notice but choose not to comment until I bring it up first) I’d be curious to know how many people have rejected me because I’m deaf. I’ve been fortunate to date some really awesome guys who have embraced it. Just like your readers/twitter followers have mentioned: it IS a personal preference to date someone with a disability. By the way, Vivrant thing is soooo correct with her comment.
Maybe that's why so many ladies were saying it depends on the disability – a physical disability is more difficult to handle than a minor mental one, I think.
Interesting post! I've never dated anyone who had a physical disability. The closest I ever came was meeting a guy at a conference who had Tourettes. He was very attractive, had an MBA and we had a great conversation. He didn't have the form where he shouted profanities but he had a noticeable tick.
Had he lived in the same area, I wouldn't doubt that I would've gone out with him. While it would be nice to say of course I'd date some with a physical disability but the truth of the matter is it's hard enough with a healthy, able-bodied man.
Interesting post! I’ve never dated anyone who had a physical disability. The closest I ever came was meeting a guy at a conference who had Tourettes. He was very attractive, had an MBA and we had a great conversation. He didn’t have the form where he shouted profanities but he had a noticeable tick.
Had he lived in the same area, I wouldn’t doubt that I would’ve gone out with him. While it would be nice to say of course I’d date some with a physical disability but the truth of the matter is it’s hard enough with a healthy, able-bodied man.
Maybe that’s why so many ladies were saying it depends on the disability – a physical disability is more difficult to handle than a minor mental one, I think.
Maybe that’s why so many ladies were saying it depends on the disability – a physical disability is more difficult to handle than a minor mental one, I think.